Anxiety Success Stories: Sadie Tackles Driving Anxiety & Panic Attacks
- Shannon Jackson
- Aug 18, 2024
- 39 min read
Anxiety Success Stories: Sadie Tackles Driving Anxiety & Panic Attacks
On this episode I sat down with Sadie, a former Panic to Peace student who has made amazing progress tackling driving anxiety and panic attacks. Sadie took the program in January 2024, and it was amazing to hear about the progress she has made since!
Sadie's First Panic Attack
Sadie remembers her first panic attack happening on the highway, while driving to visit a friend. It felt like came from no where, and almost like it lasted forever. Sadie's protective brain kicked in, and she found an alternative route home on Google Maps to avoid the highway for the rest of her journey.
After that first panic attack, Sadie found herself constantly worried about it happening again. She initially managed her anxiety with medication, which helped for a while. But then, dealing with depression and her relationship with alcohol led her to seek inpatient treatment. It was during this time that she made the big decision to quit drinking and stop taking anxiety meds.
Trying Different Strategies
Sadie tried all sorts of ways to cope with her anxiety—breathing exercises, natural remedies, you name it. Some of these things worked for a while, but nothing seemed to stick. Driving became a major source of anxiety. As a passenger, she could focus on managing her feelings, but driving herself was a whole different story—she had to stay in control while dealing with intense fear.
Finding the Way Forward
Sadie's experience with the Panic to Peace program was transformative, despite her initial fears. Early on, she felt comforted by meeting others who shared her struggles, something she had never encountered before. This sense of community provided her with a safe space to be honest about her challenges.
Over time, Sadie realized that setting small, weekly goals within the program was crucial for her progress. The structure and accountability helped her recognize and celebrate her achievements, something she had often overlooked in the past. She found motivation not from waiting for the right moment but from taking action, which made her feel accomplished and encouraged her to keep pushing forward. Recovery really is in the small steps!
While Sadie acknowledges that she's still on her journey to recovery, she no longer obsesses over when she'll be fully recovered. Instead, she's focused on enjoying more of her daily life, appreciating the progress she's made, and continuing to build on it.
Make sure to tune into the full episode to hear lots more about Sadie's inspirational journey.
Thinking about joining my 10-week program, Panic to Peace? Get on my waiting list, and I'll let you know as soon as doors open!
Feeling like you've tried everything but you're still struggling with lots of anxious thoughts, symptoms, panic attacks, and fears? Take my FREE 60-minute masterclass today and learn 5 shifts that will actually help you to overcome anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. And I promise, you won't hear any of the usual stuff from me - like doing breathing exercises, grounding practices, cutting out caffeine, and doing more exposures. Let's get you the peace and freedom you deserve without it being so hard!
Check out my masterclasses here and start experiencing lots more peace, joy, & freedom!
TRANSCRIPT
00:01.77
ahealthypush
All right, we're having another panic to be student with us. And I'm very excited. I always love these so much. You know that. um But I have Sadie with me. And Sadie took the program in January of 2024. I think we started like the end of January, ended mid-April 2024. And now we're sitting down at the end-ish of June 2024. So just to give you a little idea of like, you know, what, where she's come from, what she's done. um But let's jump in. First, just Sadie, welcome to Healthy Push podcast.
00:40.20
Sadie
Hi, thank you for having me.
00:41.98
ahealthypush
Yeah, I'm so, so happy to be with you. And I'm so excited for people to hear your story and to just talk through all this, because it's going to be so dang helpful. So let's just start with, when did anxiety show up for you? When were you like, oh, dang it?
01:03.22
Sadie
Yeah, so I would say growing up, I had some anxiety when I look back, now understanding anxiety a lot more, I can sort of identify like, there were some things I was worried about and you know, routines and things like that. But really, you know, I was able to function perfectly fine. and I had I would say like depression was more of the primary issue for me for a long time. Um, but things really started to ramp up in regards to anxiety for me in I guess it was 2018. Um, and so I
01:44.98
Sadie
When I look back now, i can I can identify all the triggers and things. it was you know I was about to graduate with my master's. I was getting ready to like relocate after finishing school. um And so like applying to lots of jobs and not really knowing where my life was going to take me. At that time, I was drinking a lot too, which is not something that's a part of my life anymore. um But even then, I knew that was a huge trigger for anxiety for me. And if I had drank too much the night before, And I think a lot of people feel this way. You kind of wake up with like that dread and what was you know the day like the day before.
02:16.56
ahealthypush
Mmhmm.
02:20.41
Sadie
um And so I had that kind of in my system and I had my first panic attack. I was driving to a friend's house and I was on a highway and kind of just popped up seemingly out of nowhere. like I didn't feel super, super anxious and it was building. I think I felt like maybe a moderate amount of anxiety and then it kind of just hit me. Um, I did know what it was at the time, but I had absolutely no idea how to deal with it or how to handle it. And I mean, even now, like, you know, almost that was, oh wow, that was over six years ago. Um,
03:01.37
Sadie
That's by far the worst panic attack I've ever had. like It lasted a long time. I sat in this like commuter parking lot and trying to like walk around. I was trying to just get it to go away and go back to normal. I had no idea what to do. I like called multiple people. They did not know how to help me. um and I was probably 10 minutes away from my house. and i already at that was like, okay, I can't get back on the highway to go home, which I don't know where that came from. Like why did I already know I need to now avoid the highway because it wasn't the problem in the moment and it's still not the problem.
03:33.69
ahealthypush
Yeah.
03:37.78
Sadie
Um, but
03:37.80
ahealthypush
Right, but I, of course, in the moment, right, your brain was just like, no, no, no, that just happened on the highway. Like, we're not getting back on that thing. Of course, like, that's just your brain, right, being so protective.
03:51.20
Sadie
Yeah, yeah. So I had to use Google Maps in order to get myself home because I was so dissociated from my environment. um And needed home, but it was really bad. And it felt horrible. And I didn't want to ever feel like that ever again. And so it took me on a little bit of a journey.
04:12.87
ahealthypush
Yeah.
04:16.12
ahealthypush
Oh my goodness. So before we go on that journey, I want to talk about something that is so, so common, right? There's so many people that will start working with me and they'll say, you know, I don't really understand.
04:29.34
Sadie
you
04:30.84
ahealthypush
Like I was just driving or I was just on on um the highway or in the store and like, It just happened out of the middle of nowhere. like It's crazy. But then they say very similar things to what you led with, which was, I had so many life changes going on. I had so many stressors. There was so much uncertainty. And it's like, Oh, okay. So did the panic attack actually hit you out of the village or had the anxiety sort of been building and just like bubbling under the surface.
05:01.05
Sadie
Amen.
05:07.69
ahealthypush
And it just did pretty randomly happen while you're driving on the highway. It wasn't. Right that day or anything maybe necessarily that happened that day wasn't the highway or the car We know that but it's like just this builds up and that makes sense to then have the panic attack happen But I think it's important to recognize for people, right? They very often seem like they're coming out of the mill in nowhere, but it's usually stress build up or just a ah lot of avoidances or you know attention being put on the anxiety like there are so many
05:42.20
ahealthypush
so many reasons. But yeah, I wanted to to highlight that because I think your experience is pretty common. um But obviously having a panic attack while on the highway, like it's common, but it is very scary, right? You're like, you're driving at a very high speed and something hits you.
05:58.92
Sadie
yeah.
06:03.94
ahealthypush
Thankfully, you knew what it was, but it's just like, holy shit, like talk about overwhelming. So yeah, after that happened, what how did anxiety sort of start you know coming into the picture more and more?
06:19.71
Sadie
Yeah. Yeah. And so I think having that panic attack, I didn't know my brain could do that. I didn't know that was on the table for me as something to be concerned about.
06:27.57
ahealthypush
Yeah.
06:29.92
Sadie
Um, and so that was very, I guess, life changing to go from never having had experienced that before to having that in my back pocket and knowing that this is something that could happen. Um, I will say that like, I did. okay with it right off the bat. Um, I had already been I had been prescribed like kind of like a benzo like quantum in the past. Um, just for like, significant anxiety, not for panic attacks. And so I have that. And so
07:10.85
Sadie
I was scared to get back on the road, but I kept going like and I would kind of like I have my pills and ah I honestly would rarely take them. I would once in a while, um but I knew I have them if things were going to start getting bad. um And so I kind of just kept doing what I was doing for the most part for a while. um And so it didn't really become this whole big thing. um And then I think
07:42.16
Sadie
There were a lot of changes that came in my life after that. i My anxiety was manageable, but like other you know other things, depression, alcohol, in a relationship I was in, things were not going well for me at that time. It just wasn't anxiety that was the cause. um and so i went and got inpatient treatment and for those issues that I just described. And part of that was you know me making a choice to not drink anymore.
08:13.52
Sadie
And along with not drinking anymore, I was no longer going to be prescribed Xanax or you know whatever, those those group of medications.
08:21.77
ahealthypush
Yeah.
08:22.06
Sadie
um Because I had also you know at times used those in a way that maybe be wasn't related to in anxiety.
08:29.53
ahealthypush
Right.
08:29.86
Sadie
um And so I had, I went and I did that and I was amazing and I had like six months and things were so good for me and I was so happy and everything was great. And I had met my now husband during those six months and we had gone on a trip to Sedona and I was driving us there and it was like an eight hour drive. Um, I didn't drive all the way, but like, you know, I drove on the highway and then on the way back we had split it up.
09:01.66
ahealthypush
Ugh.
09:04.12
Sadie
I was going to drive for like three hours and he was going to drive the rest and started feeling anxious on my way back. And I'm like, ah, remember, like you used to get panic attacks and. Oh, what does that happen right now? And then it did. um And that's when it really kind of like got unlocked for me because I no longer have that medication to take it and say, Okay, if I take this, I don't have a panic attack, I'm going to be fine. And that's really when the roller coaster sort of started for me. um And so at first, it was just me struggling with driving, then it became me struggling as a passenger. um So
09:41.07
Sadie
there were lots and lots of trips that I look back on that we took around California that you know I was very much like white knuckling and times we would have to pull over and and during that time too I sort of like invented all these little tips and tricks or got tips and tricks from people and so I had my like four seven eight breathing and I had like random natural remedies that did absolutely nothing and my husband would ask me trivia questions in the car because that would like activate my thinking brain and not my feeling brain and um so I started really thinking like okay I need to use these tools I need to find all this stuff to make the panic attacks not happen or when they start coming up I need to make them go away um
10:13.81
ahealthypush
Yeah.
10:30.54
Sadie
And so I really got on that train and there were times I was able to function decently and there were times I really was not.
10:37.60
ahealthypush
Yeah, I think it's so tough, right? Because when you like When you were driving ah we you know home from Sedona, that memory pops in. And our brains right sometimes throw us these memories. But of course, when you get that memory and then you really start mentally entertaining everything that's going on in your head, it becomes quickly like, oh, shit. Our brain's like, now this is happening. And now we're going to have to figure this out. And but it's so scary. right And you know I'm glad that you said,
11:12.73
ahealthypush
I knew sort of during this whole time, like before that, that anxiety wasn't the cause, that there were like a lot of things going on in like the relationship, the the relationship with alcohol.
11:21.96
Sadie
me
11:25.44
ahealthypush
And there were just so many different factors. And I think that's important to highlight too, because usually that is, you know, there's there's more going on. It's not just Oh, anxiety is here.
11:34.93
Sadie
Oh yeah.
11:36.16
ahealthypush
And like this is so weird.
11:37.29
Sadie
Yeah.
11:37.78
ahealthypush
It's like, well, is it? But it's good that you you know developed that awareness and made so many healthy changes and did all of that work. like That's incredible. And to get away from the alcohol and the medication, like that is so hard, um but so huge.
11:52.00
Sadie
Yes.
11:55.91
ahealthypush
And yeah, like you were saying, though, you will do anything and everything to make it stop, to make yourself not panic. And you don't really, you might know, but you consciously don't really have that awareness in the moment of like, this is actually just bringing more attention and focus to it.
12:09.47
Sadie
Mm
12:15.31
ahealthypush
Like I am just making things worse.
12:16.42
Sadie
-hmm.
12:17.39
ahealthypush
Like, but it doesn't matter because you're dead set on like, uh-uh, we're gonna make this go away. I'm not gonna feel this. I like, I'm never gonna have that happen again. And of course, you you find yourself on this hamster wheel, like there's no getting off of it. I would love for you to talk about because I think people struggle, obviously, with driving anxiety a lot. What is the struggle with being the driver? And what is the struggle with being the passenger? Because I think people experience, I know I experienced both, but I'm just curious to hear what your experience was.
12:54.93
Sadie
Yeah, totally. and And I think for so long, like, the panic attack wasn't on the table as a passenger, like, I was like, okay, this, you know, sucks over here, but I'm gonna be fine.
13:03.38
ahealthypush
yeah
13:06.37
Sadie
But then again, it's like, the first time that I had one, it's like, this is now an option to happen. um And so, I think as the passenger, Like as I've kind of now been on my journey, I don't want to like say healing journey. That's like such a corny phrase, but I'm like, how do I phrase this?
13:26.90
ahealthypush
I love it.
13:27.64
Sadie
Um, since I've been on the other side, making steps, I started with the passenger stuff because I did, it's been more manageable. There's a lot less for me to do in the sense that like, I need to just sit there and figure out how I'm going to be dealing with my anxiety. Not that there's things for me to do, but like. I sit there and I'm intentional about how I respond to my anxiety.
13:51.19
ahealthypush
Okay.
13:53.05
Sadie
And that's my job. And when I'm not doing that, my job is to like play music and give directions and whatever.
13:56.41
ahealthypush
Okay.
14:00.22
Sadie
There's some like fun, fun jobs in the passenger seat. And so it's, it's become doable. bye I get that same feeling of just, I feel like the car is going 9 million miles an hour and it's small and we're just like in this tiny little space going extremely fast and like I have to get out. And I don't know even like really what that means, but I don't, what's the problem?
14:22.63
ahealthypush
Yeah.
14:24.28
Sadie
I don't know, but like I gotta go. Um, and so there's that. And then now recently since I've been tackling like the me driving more, that's like a whole another ballgame just because I like actually have a job. Um, I do need to like keep us safe, which again, I don't really think that was the problem, but it feels like that's the problem.
14:48.70
ahealthypush
yeah
14:49.24
Sadie
Um, and so there's a lot more of like the kind of dissociative stuff where I'm like, I'm not sure if other people experience this. I would imagine they do. Um, I'm like, where did my eyes look? Like where am I supposed to be? Am I looking at the car in front of me? Am I looking out the road? Have I been looking at the road for like 20 minutes?
15:04.95
ahealthypush
Yeah.
15:07.74
Sadie
I don't know. Like I don't feel super connected with my body. Am I like so swerving off the road? Am I going to all of a sudden like drive off the road into a ditch? Like I could do that. And so then those thoughts and feelings start popping up when I'm the driver. um And so they're both distressing, but in different ways, but also in the same way as I guess.
15:32.05
ahealthypush
Yeah, ah for sure. It's all of this right uncertainty. like What could happen? What might happen? like I don't want anything bad to happen. and You're just like very acutely aware of everything that's going on in your brain. and You're you know making a lot of these things up. right and I remember, same. Like, you know, so this is all the things that we think, like, nobody thinks this stuff. Nobody, yeah, uh-huh, keep telling yourself that.
15:58.22
Sadie
Yeah.
16:00.23
ahealthypush
It's like, we all have creative brains. Our brains come up with all this stuff all the time. I had very similar, right, and I've heard it a thousand times. It's like, you really think, I'm the only one that thinks about all the things you just said. And it's like, nope, but not true. But great we know when you get so caught up in all of that thinking, that's when things just go haywire.
16:23.70
Sadie
Yes.
16:24.95
ahealthypush
It's like the more I entertain what's going on in my head, you know, the more I'm trying to convince myself, you know, you're not swerving, you're right in the middle, like you're totally fine.
16:29.93
Sadie
Great.
16:33.76
ahealthypush
yeah It's like you just pull more thoughts, more chaos. It's like, yeah, yeah.
16:39.43
Sadie
Yeah.
16:42.17
ahealthypush
So I know driving is such a big thing for you, which of course, like that first panic attack while driving, hey, that's that's what did it, right? and we And I always say, it can be just one panic attack that started this whole journey with you and it makes sense.
16:58.11
Sadie
Mmhmm.
17:00.96
ahealthypush
So I know you've been working like insanely hard on overcoming a lot of this, um but does it pop up outside of the car or is it really like central to driving?
17:17.09
Sadie
Yeah, um so I, over the last, I guess, six years, um times when things get more severe for me, it starts popping up in lots and lots of different areas. And so that's really where this past year took me to such a dark place was the car, me driving, not okay. me being the passenger not okay at all not even a little bit on the highway or sometimes back roads or now it's like okay and maybe if I'm getting like 10 miles away from my house because now I know we have to get back and um so that started increasing and then restaurants restaurants have been really hard for me um often
17:54.38
ahealthypush
Yeah.
18:05.91
Sadie
If there's a situation where people are going to be looking at me and making eye contact with me, I feel like they can sense if I'm about to panic. Like there's a little bit, it' it feels like a little bit more heightened pressure, I guess. um And so thats that got really hard for me this past year.
18:17.93
ahealthypush
yeah
18:23.02
Sadie
um And it would feel super dissociated, super panicky in restaurants. um And then I had this experience this past year of the movie theater, which I'm, I don't think I'd really struggled in the past with like these sort of intrusive thoughts or like almost OCD like kind of stuff, but I, my husband and I were supposed to go to the movies and I got convinced there was going to be like a shooting at the movie theater. um there is there is a little bit of gun violence in my area.
18:56.88
Sadie
um But it's not really, that's not really the kind of thing I'm even worried about. I feel more worried about like the mass shooting where like it's so, you know, probably relatively unlikely, but like on the table as something to possibly happen.
19:03.72
ahealthypush
Yeah.
19:10.79
Sadie
um And so then I kind of experienced a period of like in stores, thinking that people were gonna, you know, there's gonna be a shooting at the movie theater. um walking outside my house, like I would go. But everything started to feel really unsafe for me. And that's when things started to get really bad because I just didn't feel safe anywhere in my house. My work is primarily on video calls. um And it's actually like that for a reason, because when I was working in person, I started to panic.
19:47.41
Sadie
during my calls and and sessions with people. And so I thought, okay, this is gonna be perfect for me. I'm gonna be working completely remote. um But I still have to show up in some capacity.
19:57.41
ahealthypush
Right?
19:59.12
Sadie
um And I would sort of start b blanking out during work and not feeling connected with my body and
19:59.39
ahealthypush
Right?
20:06.88
Sadie
feeling spacey. And so it kind of started trickling into every area. And then even I would be watching TV, if somebody was on a plane in a TV show, the plane wasn't an issue for me, even the whole time with driving, the plane started become an issue. If people are driving, if people have made references and books to driving, like it was so and it's everywhere, right? Like driving normal activity, we do it all the time. um And so I felt like I couldn't escape it.
20:38.10
ahealthypush
Yeah. Oh my gosh. Everything that you shared, I'm sure people are like, yes, yes, yes. like I'm also or have struggled with very similar things. I think you know i always tell people, or you've got to recognize when you're struggling with anxiety, and there's a lot of anxiety on the table like every day or very often, that it makes sense that you're going to have some more intrusive thoughts. And I know they can be totally like, blindsiding, they can feel very uncomfortable distressing. um But I think also, you have to recognize, right, it makes sense that you have some of these thoughts, like we all get intrusive thoughts, of course, and
21:18.81
ahealthypush
I know when you shared that with me about worrying about you know shootings, I was like, gosh, I've had those thoughts. Of course. And I mean, especially given that we live in and the good old United States of America, it is it it is so common and it is scary.
21:31.00
Sadie
yeah
21:34.58
ahealthypush
And so it makes sense that your brain comes up with those thoughts. And that's not the problem, right? But you know I think that's so much more common than people think. and Of course, when you're feeling anxious and anxiety is there a lot, it makes sense that you have more of those thoughts.
21:46.59
Sadie
Yeah.
21:52.03
ahealthypush
So it's not like the thoughts are the problem, but we really have to focus on right how we were how we're responding to them.
21:52.95
Sadie
Right.
21:58.86
ahealthypush
um But I think, you know, something you were saying, right, so is something a lot of people struggle with. like I do not want anyone to see me like feeling anxious. I don't want anyone to, like God forbid right that somebody sees us not being okay.
22:09.39
Sadie
Yeah.
22:15.05
ahealthypush
And I think that's a huge generator right of a lot of anxiety because even in driving, right you're like, oh my gosh, I have to be okay. I have to like be in control.
22:25.34
Sadie
and
22:25.78
ahealthypush
I have to make sure that I'm keeping everyone safe. And it's just like, oh my gosh, there's so much pressure. like to always be okay and to act quote normally and to be able to do all the things and it's just like you can it's okay that you're struggling like it's okay yeah and we don't have have to pretend that you're fine and nothing is wrong um but i know everything that you shared that's like so much of what people struggle with and it makes so, so much sense. um So when all of this stuff started piling on the table, what what next? like Is this like when you decided to join or was this in the like you would already join Panic 2 Peace?
23:09.80
Sadie
Yeah, um, I would say this time last year things started to get really bad for me. Um, I don't think I set up for getting to peace until maybe January. Um, so it was a little while and this whole time, this whole six year time period, I had been doing anything and everything to try to like in the moment, the anxiety trip tips and tricks, but then
23:20.44
ahealthypush
Yeah.
23:35.27
Sadie
everything that crossed my path. I wish I i was like, oh, i want to write I want to write them all down before I recorded because I literally did so many things.
23:37.76
ahealthypush
Yeah.
23:43.21
Sadie
um But I did EMDR for like a year and a half. I went to acupuncture. I definitely tried a lot of things with like diet, exercise, like restorative yoga, meditation, things like that. I did um like two, almost three years with a somatic experiencing therapist. i I did hypnosis, like hypnotherapy.
24:05.59
ahealthypush
Oh my god. Yeah.
24:08.32
Sadie
I got massages for a while.
24:13.11
ahealthypush
I love that this list is just continuing and continue.
24:14.20
Sadie
Yeah. No, there's like more stuff that I'm forgetting about, like everything. And like I do, I get sad a little bit at the end of the day, cause I'm like, that it was a lot of money. Okay. These therapists, they were not accepting my insurance. These people are out of pocket. I was spending so much money because I would have done anything. in the world and I thought every single time I thought one of these things is going to be the solution and so it was like hope.
24:33.17
ahealthypush
Yeah.
24:40.45
Sadie
Every time I would sign up with this next person or thing that was going to help me I'm like okay you know I believe in this thing for the moment and like this is going to fix me and and I'm going to like
24:40.89
ahealthypush
Right?
24:54.32
Sadie
have my life back. And it continued to not happen. And that got really hard after a while because I was like, I'm running out of stuff. like I don't really know what's left. um
25:05.19
ahealthypush
Yeah.
25:07.01
Sadie
And yeah, this past year is was by far the worst experience of my life. And i I mean, other people have certainly been through harder things than me, but I wouldn't say my life so far has really been. that enjoyable? Like, I've been through some stuff. And, you know, I battled with depression, I battled with alcoholism, I had lots and lots of, you know, unhealthy relationships and things like that. um And this battle of anxiety has been by far the worst thing I've ever been through.
25:39.36
Sadie
And I think so much of that for me was I felt like I'm finally doing everything that I can think of to do.
25:45.06
ahealthypush
Mmm.
25:46.39
Sadie
Because before, like, In some ways, I wasn't really trying, right? It's like, oh, I'm so depressed. but I'm still drinking or I'm still, you know, like spending time in ways that aren't healthy, people that aren't healthy. And like this anxiety journey, I'm like, okay, I'm like exercising, I'm eating, I'm meditating, I'm breathing, I'm have support, I have really very little stress in my life. I'm doing exposure therapy. I spent a long time trying to do exposure therapy, but not feeling when I did the exposure therapy. So I would make absolutely zero progress.
26:17.57
Sadie
And that was like the gold standard. At least everything that I would research with like exposure therapy is the treatment.
26:19.81
ahealthypush
Yeah.
26:23.55
Sadie
um Probably in combination with medication, which I was also on. um And it wasn't getting better. And that's when I felt like the walls were closing in around me. um we did go to the movies on time that I thought there was going to be a shooting. And I remember this moment is we were walking home from seeing the movie and there was a scene in the movie where the main character had gone and visited his dad in the psych ward. He was like in the 1950s. So it was like a more of an institution kind of vibe. yeah And I know a fair amount about the mental health field and I recognize that panic disorder and agoraphobia are not
27:02.27
Sadie
Things that I would ever be placed in an institution where like I very much know that and I looked at that movie and I'm like, that's going to be me.
27:08.20
ahealthypush
Ugh.
27:10.95
Sadie
I don't know. It was like such a strange experience because I knew that that wouldn't happen. But I was like, I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my ability to function. Like my life is getting smaller and smaller. We had been wanting to, you know, start trying for kids and I knew absolutely I'm not going to be able to do that right now. I don't know what effect, I mean, probably, you know, can even get pregnant when you're under that amount of stress, but also like what happens to the baby's nervous system, you know, when my body is constantly on fight or flight. um
27:42.56
Sadie
We used to travel all the time. That was like, you know, one of the biggest things that my husband, I would do together and I wasn't able to I mean, I guess I was able, but I felt I was unable to go anywhere. And so I started turning things down and I would cancel and plans last minute. And I wanted to get out of everything. And I just thought like, if I could just relax more, if I could just have more breaks, like then I will have my time and I'll feel calm again, and then I'll be ready to go. And it kept not happening. And yeah, I felt, it was, I felt very, very lost and very hopeless.
28:17.94
ahealthypush
ah I like thank you for being vulnerable and sharing all of that because I think that's a thought that so many people have of like I am absolutely losing my mind and I could potentially be admitted to a facility. and That's such a common thought and fear that people have. and you know Anxiety, panic, it truly does make you feel like I am losing it. And when you try so many things, and you don't get re relief, you start to think like, I'm the problem, right? Like, there is something within me, this isn't fixable. Like, I am just gonna have to figure out how to live life like this. And I don't want to even think of living life like this, because this is awful. So I appreciate you being so vulnerable. And you know,
29:13.72
ahealthypush
being in this place that you were in, I know when you joined, you had the same thought that so many people have. This is just gonna be another thing, right? Like this is just gonna be another thing.
29:27.02
Sadie
Yes.
29:28.62
ahealthypush
And you didn't have as much hope maybe as all the other things as, you know, when you came into them. And it honestly has been so incredible to watch you be honest, right, to be with the that feeling of like, I don't feel like this is really gonna do anything. I don't feel like it's gonna work. But you showed up every session, you were so committed, and you did the things. And you were like, I'm still gonna try.
29:59.58
ahealthypush
I'm still gonna do this.
29:59.82
Sadie
you
30:00.70
ahealthypush
And you had many moments where you were like, I don't know about this. But you know, you've, you've been traveling, you've been driving, you, I mean, you do so much that you don't give yourself credit for, which is something that we've worked a ton on. But it's truly been really incredible to watch you not just travel and get in the cars and drive and all of that. It's been really incredible to see the shift that you've made and like,
30:36.29
ahealthypush
okay, this is not like the rest of my life. This I can actually change and I am changing it. And like, I have like that actual it's not just hope anymore. It's like, I am doing this. So I'm just curious what like joining the program, like being going through it, like how how are you feeling? like I know I just said so much, but but from your perspective.
31:10.26
Sadie
And how how was I feeling when I started the program or how am I feeling now or both?
31:11.34
ahealthypush
I like all of it. Let's do start like through to now. Yeah, I would love all of it.
31:20.73
Sadie
Yeah, yeah, I think like you said going in I really wasn't so sure. I do think for some reason I sort of had you in my mind as like this is like my last resort and not in the sense that it's like I don't want to do it but I think I knew based on what I i had seen on your account that you were going to like expect me to take action and like go put myself in situations and so I was like okay like I'm not so sure about her um and so
31:50.31
ahealthypush
Right. What do you mean she's gonna make me do the things? Like, no.
31:55.13
Sadie
Right, right. I'm like, I, I knew a little bit about your approach, but I actually just based on like, following you, I really don't think that I got it the program and I got your approach. um And so thank God I like took the program because then I could like actually start implementing things.
32:09.87
ahealthypush
Yeah.
32:12.45
Sadie
um But I was really, I was really, really scared at first, I think, right off the bat, just like meeting other people who struggled meant so much to me and still does because I don't think that I had ever met anybody with this before, which is it's weird because it's like, okay, well, there's so many people that struggle, but it's also like, I don't know anyone who struggles in this way. And I don't know how to like categorize this. I don't know how to get out of this. I've never even like heard of this happening before. And so being around other people who struggled, some people are doing much better than me.
32:45.22
Sadie
Some people are struggling more than me. I felt like, OK, I'm in the right place. I felt like you're such like a compassionate and understanding person.
32:50.76
ahealthypush
Yeah.
32:54.89
Sadie
I felt very like safe right away to just be like honest and real.
32:55.25
ahealthypush
Yeah.
32:58.74
Sadie
And I was sobbing uncontrollably in the first day like when we introduced ourselves. I'm like weeping. And like it was okay, that felt fine. you know I felt comfortable to do that.
33:09.51
ahealthypush
yeah
33:11.36
Sadie
and I think it was it took a couple of months before I was like, okay, this might be, like I might be getting somewhere here. um And for me, I think it was, like we we set little goals each week in the program and that helped me so much. I really needed that accountability I hadn't had that before. I think the only person I had holding me accountable was myself. I think pretty much in this program, for the most part, it was still me holding myself accountable, but it was in a more formal way.
33:47.54
Sadie
Like obviously no one in the group is going to be like, you said you were going to go to the park and you didn't go like you're kicked out.
33:50.08
ahealthypush
Right.
33:54.41
Sadie
Um, but just like writing it down, I'm going to do this. I'm like, okay, well, if I don't do it, then I didn't do it. So I think that helped me a lot.
34:01.19
ahealthypush
Oh yeah, and people definitely, people definitely check it. Not in a way of like, Oh, you did like, but people check it and they're like, Hey, let us know how that went.
34:04.82
Sadie
Yeah.
34:08.86
ahealthypush
Or how did it go? And you're like, Oh shit.
34:10.49
Sadie
totally
34:13.25
ahealthypush
People are in fact watching.
34:13.42
Sadie
yes and like And other people would be like, okay, I went and did this. And I'm like, okay, now I need to do it. And I do have this like thing of like, in the group, I'm like, Oh, everyone's like ahead of me. Like, I don't know.
34:25.80
ahealthypush
Yeah.
34:25.84
Sadie
This is like, my brain is wired to be like, I'm behind in life.
34:29.68
ahealthypush
Yep.
34:30.08
Sadie
And so whether or that's like positive or negative, as a motivator, it was a motivator. I'm like, I can't fall behind in the class. So I was motivated to go out and do stuff. um I think you like framed sort of like how to set these goals in a helpful way where I felt like I knew how to push myself a tiny bit, but not in a way that felt completely unmanageable. And so I could start building up momentum with some of this stuff. And I think that that was really powerful for me, like taking the tiny steps and then being able to come back and say I did it and it went well. And I i can't believe this even now because it was only four months ago
35:11.76
Sadie
that this happened. It might have been less than four months ago, but my first time driving to a destination in over a year because I had moved to this city that I'm in now and I couldn't figure out how to drive in a city with panic disorder. um And I drove up to CDX and it is like three blocks away. And the euphoria that I felt when I got home from driving in that CVS, like now I look back and I'm like, wow, you drove to CVS, like it's so close.
35:45.20
ahealthypush
Haha.
35:45.84
Sadie
I'm not impressed. But at the time, that was massive for me. And I'm very quick to undervalue my accomplishments and successes. And I didn't undervalue that at all. That was like a huge frickin deal for me and that I did that. um And that feeling is And I feel like I've heard you say this before like the motivation comes from doing it doesn't come like when you're at home or like if you're gonna try to talk yourself into doing something like it just feels horrible and like I'll do literally anything on earth to get out of this thing that I Told myself I was gonna do but then you do it and you're you feel really good and it makes you want to do more um And so I would say that was a big part of it for me It's still
36:23.66
ahealthypush
yeah
36:32.01
Sadie
It's still been a journey and I think I didn't really know what to expect.
36:38.58
Sadie
I didn't know. I still don't know, like, you know, when am I going to be recovered and whatever, but I'm in a place now where I feel like I care less about that because I have like more access to life in the day to day.
36:42.30
ahealthypush
Yeah.
36:49.24
ahealthypush
Yes.
36:53.51
Sadie
So I do feel way more focused on life a lot of the time. Um, But even when the program was ending, i had like book ended it with uncontrollable crying in the first session and and the last one because I was like, oh, it's over and and I'm not ready and I'm not okay and I'm not going to be okay and everyone else is recovered and I'm not recovered and like really, really scared to be quote unquote out on my own.
37:09.17
ahealthypush
i
37:23.03
Sadie
um But it's it's been surprising like how much more manageable it actually has been
37:23.45
ahealthypush
You know.
37:30.87
Sadie
because they still have all the tools. Like, yeah, we're not meeting every week, but like the tools came with me. I'm still in my same space doing my new sort of like habits. And I feel like I had enough time to build up like confidence and strength, like during the program, so that when the time came to like not be meeting every week, I didn't actually like lose the support that I felt like I had.
37:57.03
ahealthypush
Yeah. And like you said, right, you got to meet so many people that were on and are on such a similar journey as you.
38:02.82
Sadie
Yes.
38:07.17
ahealthypush
And you guys have stayed connected. And that's one of the most beautiful things I like see each other you know in the groups, talking, sharing. like You've created groups outside of the group. like It's just so incredible to see people continue to get that support. But I know it's one of the hardest things because the way when I sat down and I designed the program, I'm like, this can't go on for mine in months and months. It's not going to be helpful if it does because you know what we do in the program is really give you the tools and the practical steps and
38:41.73
ahealthypush
and help you to build that trust and confidence within yourself. And there has to come that time where it's like, okay, and this is on you. And that's one of the hardest things of recovery is understanding that and really taking that accountability of like, this is on me. And I need to keep taking the steps and nobody can do it for me. And you know what, I strongly feel if we met for longer, you know It would just continue to put so much focus on anxiety and and what you just said, that shift of making, I'm not so much worried now about whether I'm recovering or not because I'm way more focused on life.
39:12.72
Sadie
Yeah.
39:22.76
ahealthypush
like Yes, big fucking yes. like That's the shift, right one of the huge shifts that that you got to make. It's like, okay, and yeah, i'm I'm not, quote, there, wherever that is. like We think we're going to cross this finish line and life is going to be blissfully beautiful and we'll never have any anxiety ever again.
39:39.34
Sadie
yeah
39:42.14
ahealthypush
But it's like, no, it all of this comes right when you actually start letting yourself do more of the living. and practicing all the things that you learned to know. And, you know, I think for you specifically, right, it was really having to learn, unlearn actually, not just throwing all of the fixes and hacks at anxiety when it popped up.
40:05.30
Sadie
Right.
40:06.25
ahealthypush
like That was such a huge piece for you because you were always just like, give me the thing that's going to take this away. And you were doing so dang much. And it was like, unlearning that is one of the hardest things.
40:15.88
Sadie
who
40:19.83
ahealthypush
But when you really started to do that in practice, like less doing, it definitely made things a lot Not easy, but simpler because nothing about it is easy.
40:32.88
Sadie
Yeah, and I would say That was the thing that really helped me the most. I mean, maybe, I don't know, maybe it's like not helpful to say this is the one thing, but I think like the acceptance completely blew my mind because I had never heard anyone say that before in a way that made sense to me.
40:42.74
ahealthypush
Yeah.
40:51.99
Sadie
And I really genuinely thought that I was doing what I was supposed to do when I would get in the car and I would try to do my exposure therapy and then I would feel myself start panicking. And so I would like, you know grab whatever's near me or like unzip my coat and try to zip it back up or like I'm gonna change the song or whatever it was do my breathing or counting or tapping on the steering wheel like whatever thing that I think is gonna keep me from panicking I really thought that that's what I was supposed to be doing and so learning that like and this is actually you know I don't know if everybody
41:09.76
ahealthypush
Yeah.
41:24.32
ahealthypush
Yeah.
41:30.25
Sadie
has this experience, but like what i've I've learned about myself is my anxiety comes in waves. This is probably the case for everyone, right? It's not like, yeah.
41:40.48
ahealthypush
No, just you, Sadie, just you.
41:40.77
Sadie
So like I will, only me. um I if I go and do something that I'm really ah afraid of, and I'm feeling the anxiety building, and as I'm getting closer, it's building and building and building. And then I'm like, okay, like I'm about to do it, you know, I'm merging onto the highway or whatever it is, like the anxiety is super intense.
41:56.12
ahealthypush
Yeah.
42:02.00
Sadie
And then it kind of just, I just exhale. And I'm like, Oh, okay. Like, I think I'm good now. And then, you know, it'll pop back up.
42:08.22
ahealthypush
yeah
42:10.27
Sadie
And if I stay with it and let it be there, and then it kind of like, happens again. And I think If I knew that maybe I would have been more open, I don't know. Maybe not. But I think that that really, really helped me because now when I go out and I'm like, okay, I'm going to push myself a little bit. It's like if I do, if I let it be there, I still might have a panic attack. Like any time I could have a panic attack right now, I probably won't.
42:34.75
ahealthypush
Mm hmm. Yep.
42:39.63
Sadie
But like any time I get in the car, I could have a panic attack.
42:40.53
ahealthypush
Yeah.
42:43.90
Sadie
but it's gonna make it a lot more likely that I have one if I'm like doing all of the stuff to try to make it go away.
42:50.35
ahealthypush
Yes, it's like that anything that we practice or do you is not to make ourselves not panic or to make the panic stop because these are things we don't really have a whole lot of control of and so it's so much so much of it right is letting go of that control of I'm not trying to always manipulate and make it not happen or make it go away. It's like, you know, and it and acceptance is such a big piece for so many people, and it is a huge light bulb.
43:22.16
ahealthypush
But it's also not the only thing too. And I think so many people get stuck in that, that they're just like, well, I i am really like, I feel like I'm really accepting it.
43:26.44
Sadie
Mm-hmm.
43:31.03
ahealthypush
And it's just like, yeah, but it it's not the magical thing, right? There's not one magical thing that's like, Oh, I just do this. And then I'm all better.
43:39.10
Sadie
Rates. Rates.
43:40.71
ahealthypush
It's Like that's what we do for years and that's why we struggle for years. We're looking for one thing and it's like if there's no magical one thing like not even my program and you know I on my literal page for panic to peace I have on there like a video and it's tells you like my program is not going to be the thing that works if you're coming into this of like this is it and this has to be the thing like this is not for you because what's going to work is you actually
43:44.90
Sadie
Mm-hmm.
44:09.99
ahealthypush
being open and receptive and ready and willing to take steps and to let yourself see that like you are actually the thing that is going to do this. It's not any of the magical fixes, hacks, reliefs, medications, none of it.
44:27.62
Sadie
easy
44:28.35
ahealthypush
So it's just crazy though to see like the insanity that is people's transformations and like yours. Like I obviously have gotten to like know you throughout the program and then after and it's just like really crazy to see how much of a shift that you've made.
44:46.93
Sadie
Mhmm. Mhmm.
44:50.16
ahealthypush
And yeah, you like so many others, right? You're so So good at downplaying and I'm just like my god She's just like oh I just I just flew here and I just got in some Ubers and I just rode a train and I'm just like oh my god Like there are people in this group that are gonna murder you for saying all that
45:01.20
Sadie
Hehehe.
45:09.14
ahealthypush
but like not, you know, learning, right? What I am doing is actually really big and it's not, I can't compare it. And like you have done such an incredible job and it's just been so cool to watch. So like if somebody's in a place that you were at that you were like, nothing is working. Like, I don't know what, I feel like I'm gonna go crazy. What is something that you would say to that person who feels like there is no hope for me?
45:38.86
Sadie
Oh, yeah.
45:43.57
Sadie
Hopefully we can blur out this long silence that I'm thinking.
45:45.53
ahealthypush
Yeah, this is such a hard, I know I should give this to people ahead of time, but usually people will be like pretty quick, but yeah, there I have like seven things, right? They come to mind and I'm just like, no, no, no, not seven things. What's something super impactful that you think?
46:00.81
Sadie
Yeah. Well, I actually, I feel
46:09.58
Sadie
Like this resonated with me the last time I spoke to you and I can't remember exactly how you had put it into words, but it was something to the effect of like, this wouldn't be in your body if you couldn't handle it.
46:25.71
ahealthypush
Yeah, panic, right?
46:26.51
Sadie
And not really like, yeah, that really like changed my perspective on things. And so I feel that in addition to, ah this is so corny. But like, and I feel like I've heard this like quote, people say you have to feel it to heal it.
46:42.05
ahealthypush
Yup.
46:42.73
Sadie
And I'm like, okay, whatever. Why does that have to rhyme? But like, it has been true for me.
46:47.81
ahealthypush
ah
46:51.10
Sadie
And I also I thought about this a couple of times since I had heard you say it on a podcast before, but it was something in regard to like, you know, oh, I wish I could just know like, how long is it going to take for me to recover?
47:01.09
ahealthypush
yeah
47:01.47
Sadie
And what do I need to do to like, get there kind of thing. And you had said like, you don't need to know what your journey is gonna look like because if I told you what your journey is gonna look like, you might not like wanna do it.
47:14.97
ahealthypush
Right, you would call it quits. Let me just throw it in the towel now.
47:18.35
Sadie
Yes. And that is exactly like 100% if you told me like every week, at least once, if not twice, sometimes three times you're gonna be doing something that feels like a nine out of 10. anxiety for you in that moment and just sitting with it and letting it be there and letting it pass and then getting you know, sometimes it doesn't feel as bad and you're like this is great and I can do anything and I can push myself harder and swims it feels way worse than you thought it would and then you have to get back in that same situation and do it again like if you had told me that was going to be my
47:48.00
ahealthypush
Yep.
47:55.26
Sadie
journey to healing, I would have been like, okay, cool, like, I'm not doing that, then like, let me get back online, and let me find some sort of like a research study I could be in, let like, donate my body to science, I'm giving up.
47:59.50
ahealthypush
Right. Got him!
48:07.82
Sadie
um And now I feel like I feel really proud of myself. But I look back and I'm like, wow, I really did that every single week.
48:14.78
ahealthypush
ah
48:18.40
Sadie
And so that's been a cool thing that it's, I'm starting to feel like, you know, I'm not there yet to be like, oh, I'm grateful for my journey and like, God bless Tana disorder. And like, thank you.
48:29.51
ahealthypush
ha
48:29.72
Sadie
Cause it really, really has ruined my life and like wasted a lot of my time. Um, but I feel really proud of myself for what I'm capable of. And I feel that I'm very strong. And I don't think that I felt that way before. And yeah, i'm yeah
48:49.77
ahealthypush
You know.
48:51.10
Sadie
I think that there's a lot you can learn and like grow from through this. And so I don't know, maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe it doesn't, but I'm glad to be sitting here today in 2024 than the way I felt last June.
49:03.02
ahealthypush
Yeah.
49:06.56
ahealthypush
ah Me too. And I honestly think, you know, we all want to know, right, with any struggle that we're going through, when is it going to end?
49:15.28
Sadie
Yes.
49:15.87
ahealthypush
When am I going to get through this? Like, how? And it's like, When you put less and less focus on when and how and you just focus on what right now, ah everything becomes so much easier. It's like you can't know. You don't need to know. If you did know, you wouldn't want to know. So yeah, you shared so much goodness, but I appreciate you so much, Sadie, for coming on and being vulnerable and sharing. And like, it's been so, so good. And I know this is going to help so many people. So thank you so much.
49:52.15
Sadie
You just want to say one last thing.
49:53.62
ahealthypush
Yeah.
49:54.38
Sadie
I just want to tell the listeners because this just happened last week. And I was like, okay, great. I'm going on a podcast. I can't tell ever. I drove six miles on the highway.
50:03.70
ahealthypush
Ah!
50:04.49
Sadie
So I'm very proud of myself. And yeah.
50:07.99
ahealthypush
Yes. because that I mean, you were avoiding that for quite a while because you had the panic attack on the highway.
50:12.32
Sadie
Yeah. Like up until like two weeks ago.
50:16.35
ahealthypush
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's insane. I am so proud of you. Like, and did you think that you would do that?
50:25.16
Sadie
No, it was like, it was like a spur of the moment thing. Cause they had said like, okay, I have to do my twice a week.
50:27.84
ahealthypush
Yeah.
50:30.05
Sadie
Like I'm going to go, we're going to go to this coffee shop and I'm going to drive there. And then I didn't get as much of like the scary highway experience as they felt like I needed to get. Um, where it's just like a flat road and like the exits and whatever, like an on-ramp, all the things I hate. And so I was like, okay, I i want to do more. Cause I don't feel like I really, I don't know, I didn't, it wasn't that much of an exposure. And so then I went further and then I drove back and my husband was there.
51:03.39
Sadie
And that help that's helped me a lot, you know, initially, cause they do, I'm like, are my eyes looking at the road?
51:09.77
ahealthypush
yeah
51:09.98
Sadie
And he says, yes, they are.
51:11.97
ahealthypush
yeah
51:12.42
Sadie
And I also, I, Maybe this isn't like how I'm going to handle this long term. But right now, like just getting back on the highway, I'm like, okay, if I feel like I need to stop, I'll just, you know, pull off and I'll hit my hazards and he can jump in the front seat. And that hasn't happened and probably won't happen. But just like saying that that's possible.
51:32.43
ahealthypush
Yeah.
51:35.09
Sadie
I think that that's helped me just get there. Like I don't need to have him there forever. I don't even need to have him there now. Like if I had a panic attack, it would be okay. but I think I need to be realistic about what, like if it's too much, I'm just not gonna do it.
51:51.50
ahealthypush
Yeah.
51:51.57
Sadie
So I have to like make it doable.
51:54.20
ahealthypush
Oh, my God. I love that. I'm so happy to hear that. You're so awesome. Like you're doing amazing. And you're listening to yourself and you're trusting yourself.
52:01.58
Sadie
Thank you.
52:03.29
ahealthypush
And I think that's the one of the other huge shifts that I've seen, right? It's like no more of the looking outward, looking for all the fixes, solutions, like I've got it and I need to listen to me. And it's just so awesome. So I know we'll talk soon, but thank you again for coming on. It's been amazing.
52:22.73
Sadie
Thank you for having me.
