Tips & Truths for Dating With Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia

Shannon Jackson
Oct 13, 2024
12 min read

Tips & Truths for Dating While Struggling With Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia

In this episode of A Healthy Push podcast, I’m diving into a topic that feels both personal and kinda funny for me to talk about: dating. The funny part? I haven't dated in 14 years! But back when I was in the dating world, I was also dealing with panic disorder and agoraphobia, so I feel like I have a few things to say about the struggles—and joys—that come with dating while living with anxiety.

Let me take you back to when I met Adam, my husband of 14 years. Back when we met, I was having panic attacks regularly and it was incredibly hard for me to drive places, be in restaurants, go on adventures, and really do anything because I was so anxious… all the freaking time!

One night, I went out with friends, ended up at a restaurant, and, yep, you guessed it—I had a panic attack. In my panicked state, I ended up sitting on the curb outside of the restaurant crying. And then I did something that would totally change my life—I called Adam. We’d only been friends for a couple of months, but I felt safe with him. He didn’t ask a single question, just said, “I’ll be there in a few minutes.” And he was. He picked me up, took me home, and not long after that, we started dating.

I share this because I know how hard and scary it can be to date while you’re struggling with anxiety. But can you imagine if I hadn’t given myself that chance? I wouldn’t have my husband, my daughter, or the experiences that have shaped my life. So, if you’re wondering if it’s worth putting yourself out there while dealing with panic attacks and agoraphobia—the answer is YES.

So, with that said, let’s jump into some tips and truths about dating…

Find Your Why
Dating is hard when you're dealing with anxiety. It’s uncomfortable, and it will challenge you. But ask yourself: What do I have to gain from dating? When you have a clear reason for doing the hard stuff, it makes taking those small steps a bit easier.

Think about what you might gain—joyful moments, learning more about yourself, sharing fun experiences with someone, emotional support, or simply proving to yourself that you can handle challenging situations. This is where we learn, grow, and experience the things that make life worth living.
Be Honest About Your Struggles I'm not saying you have to tell everyone right away about your anxiety struggles. But be honest when it feels right. Whether that’s before meeting in person, after the first date, or even a few months in, the right person will understand. Trust me, the right person won't care that you’re struggling. When I look back at Adam, he didn’t care—and neither did the people I dated before him. They cared about who I was as a person, and anxiety didn’t define me. It doesn’t define you either.
You Are So Much More Than Anxiety I know anxiety might feel like it’s front and center right now, but it doesn’t define you. You have so many amazing qualities beyond what you’re struggling with. Sit down and write out all the incredible traits you have—creativity, empathy, humor, honesty, ambition... Remind yourself that there’s so much more to you, and let people see that.
Everyone Has Their Own Struggles We often convince ourselves that we're the only ones struggling. But here's the truth: everyone has something. It might be social anxiety, trauma, or difficult family relationships. Nobody is perfect, and everyone has their own "stuff." Dating is about connecting and supporting each other through life’s ups and downs. So, cut yourself some slack and remember that you’re not alone.
Give Yourself Permission to Take Things Slow I always say small steps for a reason! Allow yourself to go at your own pace—maybe start with texting, phone calls, or video chats. Meet in places where you feel comfortable, or in group settings if that’s easier. Being honest about what you’re dealing with helps set boundaries and ensures that everyone is on the same page.
You Are In Control If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to communicate that. You can reschedule, take a break, or change plans to something less anxiety-inducing. You’re allowed to step away, take a breath, and come back when you’re ready. Remember, you are in control of your actions.
Give Yourself Permission to Feel Anxious This is a big one. Self-compassion is non-negotiable. Whether it’s the talking stage, the first date, or a serious relationship—allow yourself to feel anxious. Dating can be anxiety-producing even for people without anxiety disorders, so give yourself a break. Feeling anxious doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means you’re human.
Dating Can Actually Distract You From Anxiety One unexpected benefit of dating? Your mind becomes occupied with other things—like having fun and getting to know someone new. It can help you become less fixated on your anxiety. Recovery happens while you're living, not while you're waiting to heal. So, give yourself the chance to live.

Alright! So if you’re thinking… All of this has been great but what the heck do I do when I’m on dates and I feel anxious or I’m panicking? If this is you, I want you to check out my mini courses. I have one on Overcoming the Symptoms & Panic Attacks, Freedom From What-if Thoughts, and Freedom From Toilet Anxiety… and all of these apply, depending upon what it is you struggle with.

Alright, until next time, keep taking healthy action!

Feeling like you've tried everything but you're still struggling with lots of anxious thoughts, symptoms, panic attacks, and fears? Take my FREE 60-minute masterclass today and learn 5 shifts that will actually help you to overcome anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. And I promise, you won't hear any of the usual stuff from me - like doing breathing exercises, grounding practices, cutting out caffeine, and doing more exposures. Let's get you the peace and freedom you deserve without it being so hard!

Check out my masterclasses here and start experiencing lots more peace, joy, & freedom!

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TRANSCRIPT

Alright, let’s talk about dating! Granted, this feels like a funny subject for me to talk about because I haven’t dated in 14 years. But! Back when I was dating, I was deeply struggling with anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. So I feel like I might be an okay person to chat about this topic.

About that, let me tell you a quick story about when I was dating! I met Adam, my husband and who I’ve been with for the past 14 years, through mutual friends while I was struggling. Back when we met, I was having panic attacks regularly and it was incredibly hard for me to drive places, be in restaurants, go on adventures, and really do anything because I was so anxious… all the freaking time!

Well, one night I was out with friends at a restaurant and I had a panic attack. I didn’t have my car because I rode with someone… Which I have no idea why I did this because riding with people was so hard for me. Actually, I’m sure I did it because I was drinking and alcohol always seemed to make me experience less anxiety in the moment. Anyway! I wasn’t very close with this person that I rode to the restaurant with so I went outside, sat on the curb, balled my eyes out and I called Adam… At this point, Adam and I had maybe been friends for a couple of months and had talked a handful of times, but in the little time I had spent with him, I always felt comfortable and safe with him. And when I called him, he literally asked no questions and just said, I’ll be there in a few minutes. He came, picked me up, and took me home. And soon after, we decided to start dating.

I’m telling you this because I know how hard, uncomfortable, and scary it is to meet people and date while you’re struggling, but can you imagine if I hadn’t of given myself that opportunity? I wouldn’t have married Adam. I wouldn’t have my daughter. I honestly wouldn’t be who I am today. I likely wouldn’t have ever started A Healthy Push or this podcast. And I wouldn’t have years and years of beautiful experiences and memories.

So with that said, let’s jump into some tips and truths about dating…

Yes, dating while struggling with anxiety is going to be hard, uncomfortable, and it will challenge you, but it’s helpful to ask yourself… What do I have to gain from dating? I always say, when you have a why… A solid reason (or reasons) why you’re doing something hard, it helps you to take the small steps towards doing the dang thing!

So what do you possibly have to gain from dating? Well, you can gain lots of joyful moments, happy moments (endorphins anyone? We all love those!), learn more about yourself and grow emotionally, have some fun doing things that are better doing with someone, physically connect with someone which is nice, get some emotional support, show yourself that you can handle uncomfortable moments, and the list goes on and on honestly!

I always say… There’s so much good that comes from pushing ourselves. This is where we learn, grow, and experience things that are important to us. Is it hard? Absolutely. But it’s also incredibly worth it.

Be honest with people about what it is you’re struggling with. I think this is such an important one. And no, I’m not saying to just tell anyone and everyone what you’re struggling with as soon as you meet them. Of course I want you to do this if/when you feel comfortable. Maybe it’s something you feel comfortable sharing with someone before you meet them in person because you’ve chatted with them enough prior to, or maybe you’d rather wait until after the first or second date… Maybe it’s something you open up about after a month or so. Or maybe you never feel like telling someone, and that’s okay, but that also tells you something, right? If you feel like you can’t tell someone this because you think their response is going to be less than ideal, I would say this person probably isn’t a good fit for you.

But yeah… it’s important to be honest about what you’re struggling with. And I know you might be thinking… Shannon, I can’t date. There’s no way. I can’t tell people what I’m struggling with. I’ll just be judged and people will think I’m weird or crazy. But here’s a truth I want you to recognize… The right person won’t care that you’re struggling with anxiety. Period. And when you let yourself be honest, it actually helps you to meet the right people, and these people will be an amazing support to you. You know, I just have to say… I’m just thinking about Adam and the people I dated prior to Adam and none of them cared because they truly cared about me and who I was as a person - and anxiety didn’t define who I was as a person, and it doesn’t define you either. And this leads nicely into the next one!

Recognize that there’s so much more to you than anxiety, and let people see this! I know that anxiety is probably at the forefront right now because you’re struggling, but it absolutely doesn’t define who you are. So rather than going into the dating scene, or actively dating, being convinced that you don’t have anything to offer and nobody is going to want to be with you because of your struggles, I want you to think about what you have to offer. Maybe you’re creative, empathetic, adventurous, smart, funny, honest, witty, self-aware, trustworthy, reliable, positive, open-minded, adaptable, generous, goal-oriented, ambitious, patient…

I think it can be really helpful to sit down and write out amazing qualities and traits about yourself so that you can see that there’s so much more to you than what you’re struggling with. And something along these lines that’s helpful to recognize is this next one…

Acknowledge that the people you’re meeting also aren’t perfect and they’ll have things they’re going through and may be struggling with. That might look like social anxiety, trauma, difficult family relationships, mental health issues, and the list goes on! We get so in our heads that we are the only ones struggling but it’s not true. It’s like we hold ourselves to these impossibly high and unrealistic standards… We tell ourselves things like… I can’t date. Nobody is going to like me or want to deal with me. People will just think I’m crazy. But we all have these thoughts! Because we’re all human and we all have our own shit. So let yourself have your shit, recognize that everyone else has their own shit, and we come together to connect and support each other through it all. We come together to live this beautiful life while struggling at times. And you deserve to live your beautiful life even while you’re struggling.

Give yourself permission to take things slow. I always say small steps for a reason! Allow yourself to go at your own pace. Maybe for you this means starting with texting, phone calls, or video chats. Maybe it means meeting at places you feel comfortable in. Maybe it means meeting in more of a group setting. This is another reason why I think it’s helpful to be honest about what you’re struggling with because you can then have conversations about things like your pace, your boundaries, and your intentions, which just helps to make sure everyone is on the same page and things are clear.

I think it’s also helpful to let someone know if certain places or activities cause you to feel more anxious, that way you’re not trying to hide it and pretend you’re fine when you aren’t.

Recognize that you are in control and you can make decisions that feel best for you. And what I mean by this is, if you feel like If you’ve agreed to go out and the situation feels overwhelming for you, it’s okay to communicate this. And you don’t have to go and do the thing. You can ask to reschedule, or change plans and do something that feels less overwhelming.

Or if you’ve already committed and you’re out doing something and you feel really anxious, it’s okay to say that you need to step away and take a break for a few minutes. Whether you’re at a restaurant or doing a fun activity, you are in control of you. You can step away, take a break, and come back.

Or alternatively, I’ve had the moments while dating when you’re like nope… I don’t want to take a break or try to work through this… I gotta leave. It’s okay. You can allow yourself to. Allow yourself to do what you feel like is going to be helpful for you. Now should you do this every time? Well, no. You want to try to stick with the anxiety and let yourself work through it, but this isn’t always doable and that’s okay. And this one leads nicely into the next…

Give yourself permission to feel anxious! And please be nice to yourself. Self-compassion is a must. Whether you’re in the talking stages, or meeting people, or developing relationships, or actively out on dates... Let yourself feel anxious when you feel it! Because the reality is that it’s all naturally anxiety producing - meeting new people and dating. And of course on top of it all, it’s even more anxiety producing to have to put yourself out there and feel anxious and possibly panic on dates. So don’t tell yourself that story of… I shouldn’t feel anxious. This is so dumb. Or, why can’t I just be “normal?” You are normal! And you are allowed to feel anxious. And it makes sense for you to be anxious.

You know, I always say… Just because you struggle with an anxiety disorder doesn’t mean you aren’t ever allowed to feel anxious. It’s like we often see feeling anxious as some sort of failure or setback, but it’s usually a sign that you're actually healing (or just a normal human being). So give yourself permission to feel anxious, and be nice to yourself. Allowing yourself to be human is a big part of how we heal.

A truth and a positive of dating… You’ll likely focus less on anxiety while you’re dating because your mind is more occupied with other things… like getting present and going towards things you want. I see this all the time. People start dating and allowing themselves to connect with others and they become less fixated on their anxious thoughts and feelings. And they become less fixated on trying to get better and heal. It’s an amazing thing when you actually let yourself live rather than trying to force yourself to heal. And this is because recovery doesn’t happen when you put your life on hold and wait until you’re healed to live. It happens while you’re living and letting yourself be human.

Alright! So if you’re thinking… Shannon, all of this has been great but what the heck do I do when I’m on dates and I feel anxious or I’m panicking? If this is you, I want you to check out my mini courses. I have one on Overcoming the Symptoms & Panic Attacks, Freedom From What-if Thoughts, and Freedom From Toilet Anxiety… and all of these apply, depending upon what it is you struggle with.

If you often feel anxious or experience panic while out and about, I encourage you to take my course on Overcoming the Symptoms & Panic Attacks. In it, I teach you simple and practical tools for getting relief that aren’t all of the things I’m sure you’ve heard and tried a million times before, like breathing techniques, meditation, grounding practices, journaling, or using cold water or ice cubes.

If you often struggle with all the what-if thoughts… Thoughts like… What if I feel anxious? What if I panic? What if something really bad happens? What if it’s not just anxiety? What if I go crazy? Then I encourage you to check out my course on Freedom From What-if Thoughts. In it, I’ll teach you how to get freedom from your anxious thoughts and the symptoms that come along with them! Without journaling, challenging your thoughts, or any of the other typical stuff that’s suggested.

If you often struggle with the fear of not making it to a bathroom in time (aka toilet anxiety), especially while out and about, like on dates, I encourage you to check out my course on Freedom From Toilet Anxiety. In this course, I’ll help you to understand why you’re struggling with toilet anxiety and what you can practically do in anxious moments and outside of anxious moments to experience lots more peace and freedom.

I’ll put the links to all of these classes in the show notes!

Alright, until next time, keep taking healthy action!