On this week’s episode of A Healthy Push Podcast, I sit down with Dr. Audra Horney, a licensed psychologist who specializes in Men’s Mental Health.
I was so excited to discuss and gain expert insight on this interesting yet at times underestimated and under-considered topic: men, therapy, and mental health. Audra and I discuss some common questions surrounding men’s mental health and how she navigates this field as a female practitioner, among other things!
Pushback?
To start, I wanted to address the “elephant in the room”. Audra specializes in men’s mental health… as a woman. I was interested in hearing about how, if, and when Audra receives pushback, how she handles that and addresses it in a productive way.
Admittedly, Audra has received some pushback from male patients initially, but she goes on to explain how it’s important to address, not ignore, the fact that she is in fact not a man, and cannot directly relate to the experiences of most men throughout their lives. However, just because she can’t biologically relate to a man and their experiences in our society, she can certainly resonate with them emotionally and has confidently done so over the past 10 years. Using this approach, instead of trying to fight back against the natural skepticism a male patient may have when talking to a female therapist, allows her to start building trust right away, which is a vital factor in the success of therapy in general.
Contrary to the skepticism some men may feel when speaking to a female therapist, Audra explains that some men prefer it, and will actually seek out a female therapist.
Reasons (Some) Men Seek Female Therapists:
Looking for a point of view outside of their own (a female’s point of view)
Looking to improve their relationships with women
They feel more comfortable being vulnerable and open with women
How Do You Connect with a Man in Therapy?
I was curious, once one of your male patients is in the door, sitting in front of you, how do you connect with them?
Surprising (or maybe not so much), is the role social media plays in Audra’s profession. She explains that because she is so visible and accessible across multiple platforms, by the time some of her patients sign up to see her professionally, they’ve already done their own research and vetting. It’s a credit to Audra because she comes off as an understanding, relatable therapist in the men’s space, and her patients can sense that before even meeting her. While the hesitancy and skepticism will still exist on a certain level, the connection and impact her social media has can help lessen and in some cases even deter those negative perceptions altogether, making it a lot easier to fully connect with someone once they’re in her office.
Before the age of social media and the development/evolution of her own, Audra would tread carefully when trying to connect with a male patient.
Here are some common approaches she would use in her early sessions:
Affirmation (simply being in therapy is a really big step!)
Normalize that the hardest part of therapy oftentimes is just showing up
Normalize the stigma(s) surrounding men’s mental health
Approach from an understanding place, while offering practical and actionable advice
Make them feel validated, right away
Get ahead of some of the reasons they may use to “quit” therapy (waste of time, doesn’t work, she doesn’t get me, etc.)
Why Can It Be So Difficult for Men to Seek Therapy?
Audra had a simple yet profound response to this question: “I think therapy has become feminized”. And the more she explained, the more it made sense. As you’ll notice observing therapists or coaches in general, their website, their office, and even the color schemes on their websites are typically very… feminine. Therapy in general is viewed (oftentimes accurately) as something that is inviting and comforting for women. This, unfortunately, can reinforce and reaffirm the already existing stigmas surrounding men’s mental health. (You don’t need therapy, that’s for women!)
While the feminine reality of the therapy space isn’t necessarily an intentional, exclusionary barrier crafted by the therapist powers that be, Audra believes that as therapists and coaches, we can do a much better job making the space in general more inviting and accessible to men, and I couldn’t agree with her more.
Men are conditioned to be independent and to “deal with it on your own”, one of the many stigmas surrounding men’s mental health. But I was curious, what does Audra typically see as far as the reasons men show up at her doorstep, seeking therapy?
Common Characteristics Audra Sees in Men Seeking Therapy:
Struggling, questioning “Am I good enough”
Feeling as though they’ve let people down (including themselves)
May have a seemingly perfect life, but constantly ask “Why am I not happy”
Oftentimes, men come with a lifelong storage locker full of suppressed emotions
They’ve tried to figure it out on their own for years or even decades and feel therapy is the last resort
Audra shares, “Generally, women come to therapy looking to be seen, men come to therapy looking for solutions.”
Common Signs a Man Might Benefit from Therapy
If you’re a man reading this or have a man in your life who has been considering therapy, Audra explains that she sees 2 major indicators in men that should in fact seek some kind of therapy: Sleep and Escapism.
Sleep
As simple as it may sound, sleep is integral to our physical and mental health. If you’re having inconsistent, erratic sleep patterns, it almost always indicates that something needs to be addressed. Whether it be stress, anxiety, trauma, or all of the above, if you are not getting healthy sleep, there is an underlying reason that would benefit from exploration.
Escapism
Another term seen commonly in the mental health space: Escapism. Where you’re so unhappy and disconnected in your life, that you’ll do anything and everything to detach and escape. With men, this can come in the form of overworking, compulsive exercise, video games, gambling, and alcohol/drug dependency, among other things. Even in its most extreme forms, like suicidal ideations, your brain is simply seeking an escape from your reality, in one way or another. If this sounds familiar, or you recognize some of these behaviors in a man in your life, therapy may be a healthy step in the right direction!
How to Seek Therapy as a Man?
Finally, I wondered how Audra may suggest men seek a therapist in general. As is the case with most therapists, whether you’re a man or woman seeking therapy, it’s important to find the right fit. Audra encourages men to take the time to seek out therapists that intrigue them, and schedule 2-3 free consultation meetings before committing to anything long-term.
“The fit we have with our therapist is one of the most powerful, predictive factors of whether or not we have good outcomes in therapy”
How to connect with Audra:
Feeling like you've tried everything but you're still struggling with lots of anxious thoughts, symptoms, panic attacks, and fears? Take my FREE 60-minute masterclass today and learn 5 shifts that will actually help you to overcome anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. And I promise, you won't hear any of the usual stuff from me - like doing breathing exercises, grounding practices, cutting out caffeine, and doing more exposures. Let's get you the peace and freedom you deserve without it being so hard!
Check out my masterclasses here and start experiencing lots more peace, joy, & freedom!