Fully Recovered: Maria Update - Freedom From Toilet Anxiety After 30 Years
- Shannon Jackson
- Jul 21, 2024
- 3 min read
Fully Recovered: Maria Update - Freedom From Toilet Anxiety After 30 Years
Welcome to another Fully Recovered episode of A Healthy Push podcast! I love these so much and I am so grateful to Maria for coming back to share more of her amazing story. I last spoke with Maria on Episode #60 - so would encourage you to listen back first. Since then Maria has made some amazing progress and found freedom from toilet anxiety. I can't wait for you to hear our conversation!
What Did Things Look Like Before Panic to Peace?
Over the years, Maria has struggled with anxiety, panic, depression and in particular toilet anxiety, which started to take its toll on not only Maria's life but her family. As things got worse, Maria's world shrank and her day-to-day life was filled with worries and coping mechanisms.
When Maria took my 10-week program Panic to Peace, she felt like she had tried everything to deal with the anxiety and panic she had been struggling with for 30 years. She was skeptical anything could help. Instead, it was a real turning point in her recovery journey that connected her to a community that knew exactly what she was going through.
What Advice Would You Give to Others?
I asked Maria what advice she would give to others on a similar journey. The biggest takeaway, was practice, practice, practice. Taking small healthy steps, consistently showing up for yourself, and being ok with failing sometimes (we are only human) were all so important for Maria in her journey to recovery.
Maria found a lot of value in the A Healthy Push community, finding likeminded people on the program who truly understood what she was going through who held her accountable and supported her along the way.
Finally, being open to try new things was so helpful for Maria. When starting Panic to Peace, Maria really committed to trying lots of different tools to see what worked best for her. She found positive self-talk was one of the most helpful tools, but learned along the way that journaling was not her thing (which is not a tool in P2P)!
How Did You Know You Were Recovered?
Recovery happened gradually for Maria, as it often does. Eventually, Maria felt she was having consistently good days where she could feel at ease, was able to follow a schedule and anxiety wasn't constantly crossing her mind. Coping mechanisms are a thing of the past, she can eat a meal before leaving the house without worrying about needing the bathroom!
Self-doubt definitely crops up, and is one of the trickiest parts of recovery, but Maria has been able to push through these thoughts with all she has learned and trusts that she will be ok. It's ok to feel like your recovery is fragile, but you are so much stronger than you think!
If toilet anxiety is something you are struggling with, you'll want to check out my Freedom From Toilet Anxiety mini course. This course teaches you how to say goodbye to the fear of not making it to a bathroom in time! You deserve peace and freedom from the symptoms and fears and to start actually living your life! You've got this, friend.
Feeling like you've tried everything but you're still struggling with lots of anxious thoughts, symptoms, panic attacks, and fears? Take my FREE 60-minute masterclass today and learn 5 shifts that will actually help you to overcome anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. And I promise, you won't hear any of the usual stuff from me - like doing breathing exercises, grounding practices, cutting out caffeine, and doing more exposures. Let's get you the peace and freedom you deserve without it being so hard!
Check out my masterclasses here and start experiencing lots more peace, joy, & freedom!
TRANSCRIPT
00:00.00
ahealthypush
All right welcome to another fully recovered episode I am so excited to be doing these I love these. This is the third one and today I have a former panicked fee student with me of course Maria and Maria took panicked peace. Almost two years ago back in September of twenty twenty two and she came on the podcast in January Twenty Twenty three and we're now sitting down and recording this at the beginning of June 2024 and things. Have been looking quite differently so I'm super excited Maria welcome I'm having to have you back? Yeah so of course I encourage people go listen to the initial episode that Maria was on it was episode 60 she shared her story like where she was at.
00:40.13
Maria
I'm happy to be here. Thanks for having me.
00:52.73
ahealthypush
What was going on gets into all of the intty-gritty. But for those who have not yet listened and are like okay well I still want to listen to this. Can you just give a ah little brief summary Of. What did things look like before you joined the program because I know like me you were strugglingggling with all of it. Ah.
01:07.72
Maria
Um, yeah, a lot of nasty things I got nasty things because I think back and I'm like how did I how did I get how did I get one night 1 thing I think about how did I get that bad and 2
01:18.68
ahealthypush
Have.
01:23.81
Maria
How am I at this point now look when I think back to a to z I'm on a different spectrum and it's pretty wild because I remember when I started listening to your videos and your Instagram you know reels and all that stuff I was like I was like envious. It's like how do I get where she is and I felt almost like unreachable like it's not attainable. Like me. She's lying. She's never had this problem like there's no way she's just living her life like it's impossible and honestly even when I took the course in the beginning. Um, which was a huge game changer for me I felt like this is not going to happen like I was doing it almost just.
01:43.23
ahealthypush
Um, ah.
01:52.61
ahealthypush
Yes.
01:56.36
Maria
Pushing through doing the program just to do it to complete it to say like I did it. It didn't work. Let's try something else because that how I was functioning at that point is I was literally trying everything and then saying okay done didn't work move on to the next thing onto the next thing and I feel like I tried so many things that if following I was running out of options.
01:59.32
ahealthypush
Ask.
02:14.19
Maria
So where I started was just a quick story backstory for me, it's when I came here when I was five years old I came from Poland and I've always had anxiety but just not being speaking the language going to school just being different is what I felt like I think it kind of snowballed affected into my teenagers and when I was a young adult and to the point where. Kind of like basically controlled my entire life like ah anywhere I wanted to go anything I wanted to do was revolving around the toilet everywhere. Where's the bathroom. How do I get there. How do I prep I would be getting ready for you know, an event 2 hours before because I would be like okay I can't eat or I have to eat a light mild meal. Everything revolved around eating so but I never had really. Eating disorder. It was more so I was more particular on specific days or if I knew I had an exam on a Wednesday I wouldn't really eat anything big on Tuesday night like my whole dinner schedule once everything revolved around where I'm going my schedule and it was really getting to the point where it was overwhelming. And you know you start getting depressed about it because it takes over your life and you don't feel like you can do everything and luckily I had um my husband at the time still we're still together now but he's always been very supportive and I felt like it was slowly weighing down on him because I was constantly controlling our schedule based on. My bowel movements and my and everything around me which every doctor at the time told me it's ibs you have stomach problems, try different diets I went through dietticians therapists medications, everything under the sun I feel like I've tried you know yoga meditation I was like at this point I'm like it's something.
03:44.96
ahealthypush
Yeah.
03:45.69
Maria
Deeper than this like it's just a routine and I'm so deep in it I'm like addicted to revolving my life around the toilet that it did it was like an addiction at that point it was something that was completely a different realm that people didn't understand so when I told people about it. They're like oh take anxiety meds. You're just anxious your type a your fast talker I'm like that's all true. But. And she didn't have to um, revolve around like you know going through the bathroom 10 times before I walk out the door and when I say all these things back now I'm like this is so wild because like I just came back from the grocery store I haven't been to that rushroom in like 2 years and I used to go there every visit. So the fact that I don't even know they were modeled is pretty wild.
04:17.57
ahealthypush
Feeling.
04:24.24
Maria
Um, but it's just my life revolved around it and my family's starting to notice but it's so funny because they don't say anything they're saying it to themselves and I kind of heard the rumor around it the other day where they're like we noticed you don't go to the bathroom anymore and I was like I'm glad you guys are noticing because I thought it was just. No, 1 ne's noticing my success so it's been nice to hear that everyone's realizing it and seeing it and now I'm like you know today was the first time I think on the episode I mentioned my mom was a big heavy way on me because we do a lot of things together. She's like basically my nanny so we you know we drive around a lot together. We travel together. So for her to be with me.
04:39.90
ahealthypush
Yeah, yeah.
04:57.51
Maria
And me pulling over and stopping was really frustrating for her and she would express that and someone telling me that over and over made it harder for me to get over it because now it's not affecting me. It's affecting other people and that would translate to other events. You know you're going to a birthday party and you're late, you're slowing down the whole party. You're going here and here you're slowing down the other people.
05:00.33
ahealthypush
M.
05:11.76
ahealthypush
M.
05:16.38
Maria
Then it felt to me like I was a burden depressed like then I was like why am I Even here I started to get so deep into the depression of I'm just wasting everyone's Time. Why am I existing and it was so frustrating for me and then my son he's almost six but I was going through stress and anxiety with him still when he was little. Um, and we wanted more children but my biggest thing was how can I handle more little people when I can't handle myself and that was a big hold up for me to have more children. Um, and then we did have my daughter after him and she was sick and she had passed away but that's another story but for another day but she um that was a huge experience for me in terms of. You know, ah depression and more anxiety because I was unstuck in a hospital room I couldn't leave what I wanted I felt very stuck I felt like I had to be there for her So I wasn't thinking about myself at that point I was thinking about somebody else I was kind of on Robot Mode. So when she had passed the depression heightened so much more.
05:55.21
ahealthypush
You.
06:11.78
Maria
Because in it. Not only was I emotional about her but I couldn't even walk to my stop sign to go for a walk with my son and I was like oh my gosh. It's a reality check like I need to get it together. So then I focused for six months on myself I told myself I have to that's when I joined the program. Um I said I have to you know, start taking care of my body getting physical. And join the program talk to someone see if there's people out there like me which there was plenty um on the meetings and I think honestly that leads me to how I transitioned is joining the program I think that was a huge plus for me because it was like an a meeting.
06:32.73
ahealthypush
Right.
06:43.96
Maria
Um, hearing other people's stories was like a reality check of you're not the only one and even though you hear that all the time on Instagram and I saw you being not the only 1 until you hear people on the on the call and talking about it in their voice cracking because they're so sad.
06:50.33
ahealthypush
Frame.
06:58.27
Maria
And then you realize you truly are not the only one and I saw a therapist for like 2 years I spent so much money with this therapist. She wasn't a bad person by any means but it was very repetitive and I did not see progress and I think it was just constantly talking about it versus more action. So I think that action parts over your reels and stuff of saying just like go do it. You know, go try practice like. The practice and training is kind of where I got to where I am now. So even though they were very hard. Don't get me there. You know trying to convince yourself to leave after you eat breakfast for breakfast is really difficult when you're in this boat. Um by I did it a few times and I kind of it's hard to pinpoint an exact time because I always try to think when was a time when I felt.
07:21.96
ahealthypush
Yeah.
07:35.81
ahealthypush
Right? Like this is this is it? yeah.
07:37.64
Maria
I was recovered or I felt right? Well like it was working honestly, there wasn't a specific time. It was just practice and I kept doing it and doing it and it kind of lessens slower less less less I still was anxious and don't get me wrong I still have moments now too where I'll feel a little anxious after I eat I'm like oh no, but then I'm like we talking about you got this and I'll just. Shrug it off and I'll move on but it's a lot lot more rare than it used to be it was every single meal every single time I stepped out of the house. Um, you know now I'm taking walks every night for an hour with other people and long distances like things that I would have never done. You know so. Um, it's it's different things that you just don't think are possible. But I think for me, it was lots of practice. A lot of patience with yourself and then seeing other people so joining a program or some kind of group where you feel heard but also hear other people struggling not that you are excited to see them struggle but it kind of gives you a nice eye opener if you're not the only one.
08:25.78
ahealthypush
Are a.
08:31.21
Maria
And that was huge for me especially because they were from all over the place these people and some struggling with other things slightly different more intense. Um, so I think it was a really really good addition to my progress was joining the program. Um, and then where I am now it's like I said it's just. Not on my mind as much mind germ also Pregnant. So I feel like it's not thinking about myself anyway. But I think Also when you're pregnant I think I mentioned this on a different call before that. Um you don't feel as embarrassed going to the bathroom or as awkward give have a belly. So no, One's going to tell you oh you just went. You know no I have to go again. I have to pee I do Pe every 5 minutes. So.
09:00.85
ahealthypush
Um, right right.
09:07.46
Maria
It's normal. So I feel like when I'm pregnant I felt always in the safe zone. So I'm always I'm already thinking ahead which is funny because my anxiety' is slightly coming in at this point being at the end of thinking. Okay I'm not going to be pregnant anymore. Am I going to have an excuse am I going to start feeling the anxiety again because now all of a sudden Maria's in the open.
09:24.13
ahealthypush
Ah.
09:26.10
Maria
And now I have to use the bathroom Mor tomega now what's my excuse now you know so I think I'm slowly coming back? Um, but I think it's just more so I'm thinking of the past and I'm starting to get anxious. But I I think but I feel determined because I feel like I have the tools I have I'm ready I've done this before and that's all it's.
09:27.37
ahealthypush
Yeah.
09:45.89
Maria
Keeps keeping me positive I Keep thinking to myself like you got this like you're just overreacting and you're thinking about the past and Pts Yeah, it was my whole life though. Yeah.
09:50.34
ahealthypush
Yeah, but of course of course right? like of course your brain's going there. Yeah like our brains are designed to protect us and this is unfortunately how they do it a lot is like looking ahead and wanting to plan and prevent and see what's going to happen and make sure we're going to be okay, like that's just what it does. So.
10:01.84
Maria
Um, yeah, yeah.
10:10.30
ahealthypush
Of course your brain is going there a bit. But yeah I'm so happy to hear you say like I know I've got it like I've got this and you know the excuse now can be right? like you're just human if you have to go to the bathroom like gay I'm human just like everyone else got to go to the bathroom. But.
10:20.24
Maria
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:27.89
ahealthypush
I Remember when you joined the program you were like I knew I could see it feel it hear it I'm like oh she is going to be a hard one because you are so skeptical like I could feel it and I know what that feeling feels like yeah it it.
10:39.47
Maria
Um, and what yeah.
10:43.63
ahealthypush
Because you feel like I have tried everything like this is not going to work and I mean I remember you being very honest and sharing some of that in some of the meetings and it's like of course you feel that way. Of course you feel like I'm just trying another thing like I hope to God this works but like it's probably not going to.
10:53.47
Maria
Um, yeah, yeah.
10:59.87
Maria
You know after you do it for 30 years consistently I feel like you're just it's ingrained in you that there nothing will help you and you had so many fit you know trials and errors and you're like what is how is different this one going to be different.
11:02.23
ahealthypush
Like yeah yeah.
11:11.42
ahealthypush
Right? But the best part is you like literally nailed it right? It's it's these small steps consistently this practice consistently and the more you do that it sort of just puts you on this trajectory that like it is all just coming together and happening. And it doesn't mean because you've been doing this for 30 years it's going to take you thirty years or even a year or two years we can unlearn things fairly quickly. But you've got to commit and be consistent with it and dedicated and and you were so it was like ah okay, it has happened but like.
11:32.96
Maria
Right.
11:41.24
Maria
Um, yeah.
11:49.64
ahealthypush
How did you know like when was it like okay I am actually recovered like.
11:52.84
Maria
I think when I had like consistent days where it didn't cross my mind or I just felt like ease and I had just got surprised me like for example, like you know I remember telling you guys on the I think was to previous episode or maybe 1 of our meetings but I mentioned.
11:57.37
ahealthypush
Yeah, yeah.
12:09.16
Maria
With having children is they have activities they have schedules. You have to be places on time not everywhere. Will there be a bathroom. There's lines to wait in. You know you're at the grocery store I think you mentioned you were with your daughter and you're like okay, my whole cart is on the um, the on the belt where do I go.
12:17.70
ahealthypush
Yeah, right.
12:22.46
Maria
Um, so I've had those moments too. But it's like you have to take it and just go. You know it is what it is um but I honestly it's just been so great with doing things and having a schedule and going it just feels so it feels easy and I haven't I haven't said that in so long like I literally my my son has um.
12:33.60
ahealthypush
Ok.
12:38.80
Maria
4 activities a week and for me to just do them all. It seems impossible I'm like how am I functioning um, you know going to appointments driving around with them and then I have to also eat you know so 1 thing that's really awesome is I'm actually like eating and I can leave the house of course I don't eat something crazy before leaving that I've never had before or. You know I'll go wild and and stuff my face and think it's not going to happen because I think any person who does that might have a stomach ache. So it's natural so you got to be realistic with yourself and I think that's 1 thing I didn't have before is their realization that I'm human and I can have a stomachache I cannot feel good. It doesn't have to be related to anxiety but because I was living in fear every day and anxious.
12:59.50
ahealthypush
Yes.
13:15.77
Maria
Was always the excuse of this is why I don't feel good because I'm anxious but it ultimately is hey you just ate too much ice cream that in reality check you're not eating well you're not you know, working out, you're not, you're not following suits so I feel like the 1 thing I would say to with the program is some things may seem silly I remember 1 of the meetings we had you mentioned.
13:17.74
ahealthypush
Yet.
13:25.39
ahealthypush
Yeah.
13:33.86
ahealthypush
Yeah, ah.
13:35.16
Maria
You know, look in the mirror put a sticky note on your mirror and say to yourself how great you are that you know motivate yourself and I'll be honest I did that a few times and I was like this isn't this isn't working for me, but it's okay because other things worked you know so you got it. But the 1 thing I would say is everyone has to just try them all. To see what works for you like I bought a journal I wrote in it maybe 3 4 Times I was like okay well this isn't great for me I can't express it on paper. But for me, it was more like just talking to myself and that worked for me, you know? Um, so I think it's whatever will work for you but you just have to try it all and be open to it because that's eventually what.
13:56.47
ahealthypush
Yes.
14:06.40
ahealthypush
That.
14:09.65
Maria
Let me hear is being open and listening to other people being vulnerable because at that point you're at that you're at your what's end if you're joining a program. You're probably feeling hopeless and you're please give me a hand you know and then seeing you do it. It kind of was. Like the end goal gold dream. You know it's in like okay if Shannon can do it I could do it but don't get me wrong as I was doing it I was like this is not right. This New York yeah I going to get to her like it was so when I think back, it's so wild because it's like.
14:27.31
ahealthypush
A.
14:35.60
ahealthypush
Um, oh yeah.
14:40.31
Maria
It felt so impossible and unattainable and now the fact that I'm on the other side and I feel like so whatever and careless. It feels so strange. It feels so strange. Just.
14:48.49
ahealthypush
Yeah, oh I remember I mean we've kept in touch and you have sent me messages and you're like I just went to Disney and like I rode you know there I stood in lines like I did all of it and I was fine and I'm like.
15:04.48
Maria
Um, yeah, yeah, it's wild. Yeah.
15:06.80
ahealthypush
Holy shit like it's it is vile to see it especially from the outside too because I you you know going through the program you were you were pretty. You know, ah like just so skeptical and and a little bit resistant and I'm like oh my goodness but you were committed and then when you sent me that message I was Like. Dang day. This is so good. But you are exactly right? It's like my program isn't and I don't think any program can be if any program is like here's a step by step process. Do this this this then you're going to recover like I call Bullshit because it's just not how it works like we are all.
15:26.29
Maria
Um, yeah.
15:34.79
Maria
Um, yes.
15:43.39
ahealthypush
Different or all unique. We're all experiencing slightly different things and you need to figure out what's helpful for you and that's of course why there's so much in the program. That's like here this could be helpful. This could be helpful and you just have to pick and cheat as like what is and and what might not be and and to listen to yourself. But.
15:45.13
Maria
Okay.
15:59.83
Maria
Um, yeah.
16:02.71
ahealthypush
Once you do find the things that are helpful right? to start committing to those things and it's just insane though when you sent me the message of like hey I'm pregnant and I didn't think that I would ever be able to do this again like to that I would get to the point where is like okay I can.
16:20.96
Maria
Yeah.
16:21.68
ahealthypush
I can have a child like I trust myself that I can do this like what? what the heck was that like to be like I'm good to do this.
16:26.37
Maria
Yeah, you know what I think it's once I got to the point of where I felt recovered and I was able to do daily things with my son and now my my daughter. She's two and I'm doing things with her and I felt very like confident in myself like I'm on the high right now where I feel super confident like I can literally just.
16:41.60
ahealthypush
Yeah, yeah.
16:44.98
Maria
Right now. Do I run downstairs and get in the car and just take a road trip because I feel so hyped up you know and I think that's 1 thing too with one thing I'm going to mention is with the program I don't and in the beginning when I first sent you that message that we did Disney and all that it almost felt like I was like my brain was lying to me as I was typing it because it was trying to fool me to say hey I'm doing good but I'm almost like.
16:49.23
ahealthypush
Um.
16:57.65
ahealthypush
And.
17:03.91
Maria
Want to say it. But it's too good to be true. So it's go to be like if I say this I might go the bathroom after I do this? Um so I feel like you know in the beginning when you feel recovery. It's almost like your brain is oh my God she's doing it I need to trick her again and it's almost like telling you you're lying to yourself.
17:07.32
ahealthypush
Um, yeah, right.
17:20.57
Maria
This is not real. You're having a good day just wait till tomorrow and like it would keep telling me that I had these moments of like positivity but negativity like my brain didn't know which what's going on. Why are you all of a sudden feeling good. So I don't know if you had that too when you were getting to recovery, but that's one of the trickiest parts I think of the recovery process is like you're fooling yourself and you don't believe it's real.
17:22.19
ahealthypush
10
17:30.90
ahealthypush
And I.
17:38.31
ahealthypush
Yeah.
17:39.84
Maria
And I feel like that's where I felt when I was deciding if I wanted to have 1 more child because I was like I is this just reality or am I just is just like am I gonna fool myself and then have this kid and be like oh my gosh I have too many childrenfriend to take care of um. But it's funny because I keep thinking of like future stuff too like there's things that cross my mind my mind is like teasing me is telling me like oh my gosh when your kids are teenagers and then they do real like and the thing I mentioned to you my biggest thing when I was not 1 great place when I had just my son at the time was he's gonna notice my trends.
18:06.18
ahealthypush
And then.
18:08.70
Maria
And notice my bad habits and then he's going to have start having bathroom anxiety like me so my fear was with having more children is one I won't be able to drive and do things with them and it's going to hold us all back and then two it's going to teach them. The bad Habits. So I'm like if I have more children that means I have to do more stops more planning. Packing I'm going to be so stressed that I'm not going have any time for myself to get better I'm gonna be in the deep hole super depressed and be not be to dig myself out so I promised myself I'm going to get to a better place before I have any more children or decide to expand my family because if I'm not 100% I can't to give them my 100% and I felt that way when I was in that bad spot when I couldn't get to the stop sign. My husband and I and my son went for a walk and I literally told them you guys have to go and finished a walk because I can't go and I remember telling my husband ah broke me down that day I said I think you need to like divorce me and get remarried because I cannot provide you guys.
18:57.80
ahealthypush
And then.
19:01.55
Maria
Love the time the patience because I'm not here I'm mentally zoned out like I can't even get past I'm thinking about the stop sign the whole time as we're walking now listening to you and not listening to him and I felt like I wasn't part of the family like I literally felt so in out of tune with everybody around me and then as I got better and we decided to have my daughter. It felt like. Relief almost because I'm like now I'm like a part of them. We went to Disney was the first time I felt like my mind was clear and I was able to enjoy my family and like sit and have a meal with them and not think about the bathroom but I still have those moments when I get wrong I think people who are recovering think it's like you never have an issue and then you're always going to be perfect, but there's times I'll go to restaurant and eat and like.
19:35.26
ahealthypush
Yeah, yeah.
19:41.80
Maria
Oh no I think I hate too much My stomach's kind of hurting and then you're thinking about the bathroom and then your old self comes back for a minute like we all just sit here now until I go but then I have that reality check of like you know what? it is what it is. We move on and we go on. Um, so I think that's when I realized that like.
19:52.12
ahealthypush
Yeah, yeah.
19:57.91
Maria
There's some progress there's change and now I feel like I look at things differently and I think that's the biggest part you'll notice about your recovery is that you as a person are a different person like you look at life differently. You look at yourself differently. You look at how you eat differently? um.
20:05.63
ahealthypush
Yeah.
20:13.74
Maria
And just a different mindset I can't even I don't know it's it's crazy to think about that. It's like the best way I could put it and I hate same because I remember when you were talking about your recovery in meetings or on your Instagram I'm like lady I don't understand how you're there.
20:15.17
ahealthypush
I know it it is weird to explain but it is like I say you know when you join. Yeah.
20:30.27
ahealthypush
Ah.
20:30.56
Maria
Like you like tell me the secret because there's something you're not telling me but it's truly it feels that way because I always tell I have a friend who's going through something similar as me when I tell her she's like I don't understand I was like it's It's hard to tell me tell you the secret because there is no secret. It's honestly work. It's kind of like when someone loses a lot of weight and then you're like what's your secret they're like ah.
20:45.73
ahealthypush
Um, here.
20:50.43
Maria
Ah, doing it daily following a routine having a diet and you're like no, what's the secret like give me the pill give me the juice like I want to lose weight you know that's typically everyone wants the fast Pat fast pace way to get better and I would love that I would have loved the magical pill. But honestly, it's this consistency and time and effort and it sucks because it's time consuming.
20:53.18
ahealthypush
Um, might.
20:59.62
ahealthypush
Yeah, ah.
21:07.55
ahealthypush
Yeah.
21:09.61
Maria
And it's overwhelming and you're gonna go up and down I think I remember having moments where I was like oh my god it's a great day and the next day having to cry because it didn't work and there's it just constant. It's a roller coaster of emotions and but it's all worth it in the end I mean you've already been through so much crap. That's why I'm telling myself like you've already had so many negative days so many times you felt so bad about yourself. What.
21:14.94
ahealthypush
Environment.
21:29.41
ahealthypush
Right.
21:29.46
Maria
The heck is a difference at this point and you can't get any worse like it's at this point it's got to get better and that's honestly what made the turn happen is just being you know confident like it has to happen. There's no solution. It's either this or you're not existent. That's how I kept telling myself.
21:37.51
ahealthypush
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah I mean you hit on something right? That's important that you're not just working to fix and create a healthy relationship with anxiety you're working to fix your relationship with yourself and like.
21:51.81
Maria
Um, yeah.
21:57.47
ahealthypush
You do change you become honestly so different and you start like you said you see yourself differently your thoughts your feelings like everything that you're doing. It's just so different. Um, but you hit on something that I want to.
22:07.97
Maria
Brother.
22:14.20
ahealthypush
Emphasize because I think it is something that a lot of people experience I think anyone going through recovery experiences is that you feel like your recovery is fragile. You get to this point where you're like oh like is this actually happening am I actually recovering like who knows like if I do maybe too much or I could go back and.
22:24.50
Maria
Um, yeah.
22:31.45
Maria
Um, yeah.
22:33.79
ahealthypush
Like of course it feels fragile. Of course it's going to feel that way you have gone through so much right? and you've changed so much and so any you're always going to have that questioning that doubt and so that makes sense.
22:40.11
Maria
Um, yeah.
22:44.88
Maria
I Feel like just like you know what we went through and a lot of people had a lot of crazy embarrassing moments when they mentioned on their meetings that they to that with like traumatizing I've had those myself for like you know pulling over going wherever I can and that's traumatizing You don't forget it.
22:54.26
ahealthypush
Now.
23:01.62
ahealthypush
Yep.
23:01.63
Maria
And but when you have that moment of a little open window. Your brain has an opportunity to remind you of it. It's like hello. Don't forget um that there is is you know thing you did five years ago and it's it's just like going to remind you in those bad moments. But I I have to shru it off and just say it didn't not that didn't happen. But it's like it's not an.
23:14.62
ahealthypush
Yeah.
23:20.52
Maria
An option at this. It's not even an option This doesn't even occur to me. That's the crazy part too is that when I do have the feeling and I always laugh because my my kids now watch the show when you have a little feeling they're learning the potty train. They have the little feeling and they have to go potty and I always tell my son before we leave him like you have to go potty or we're at somewhere we are I'll see him like moving around fast like gift to go potty because you're not saying anything.
23:32.12
ahealthypush
Um, yeah.
23:34.84
ahealthypush
Yeah, and it'll be like out out.
23:38.82
Maria
Um, and it's it's like it reminds me of me talking to myself as an adult like do to go potty have to go before we leave you How about here here's a bathroom like I would plan my life around restrooms. So um or now that with the kids I'm always asking them the same question but I'm like if if they're not mentioning it not going to bring it up. Um, but it's definitely.
23:43.83
ahealthypush
Yeah I.
23:57.31
Maria
I'm also thinking of the future I'm like my anxietyties is kicking in for future like when my kids are teenagers and we are traveling as a family or something and here's mom running through the bathroom multiple times like it's it's going to be noticeable and I'm already thinking of that. But I'm like why like it. It just crosses my mind randomly like on a random you know monday.
24:11.70
ahealthypush
Yeah.
24:13.63
Maria
Um, but it's it's crazy, but it's like my mind is just trained that way I've been through it for so long that I feel like that mind is going to keep bringing up the past and reminding me like fy I you went through this. Yeah.
24:21.93
ahealthypush
Yeah, and this is what all of our brains Do this is like the protective part of them and it's just the very human part of ourselves that we can't control but it's like yeah cool like yes, that happened that happened but now here we here we are and we can't jump.
24:30.38
Maria
Um, yeah.
24:39.41
ahealthypush
To when they're teenagers and figure out what that's going to look like like who the heck knows what it's going to look like. But yeah so I feel like you've hit on so much This question might just be like silly at this point. But what do you feel like was something that was so helpful to you that like there.
24:40.34
Maria
Um, yeah I know it's so different.
24:56.72
ahealthypush
You don't feel like you could have gone to where you are now without this in your recovery.
24:59.98
Maria
Um, I would say well besides the machine the program again because I feel like that alone was a huge page turner for me one because I stopped my I didn't stop my therapy bluntly at that point because I wasn't sure if the program's going to work and I'm like let me try both.
25:10.47
ahealthypush
Yeah.
25:13.72
Maria
And my therapist wasn't like discouraging me from doing the program either. She's like you know the more you have the butter but you know don't overwhelm yourself that was one morning she had but I think for me that was the biggest thing is having to talk to people. But then once the program was over. Obviously you go on you have to still keep working hard. So for me, it was just slowly peeling away.
25:17.40
ahealthypush
And.
25:33.10
Maria
The aids you know like we talked about before having like you know having to have a water bottle with you for some random reason having enough gum with you because you have to be distracted by chewing or and I haven't chewed gum in i't 3 years almost but but after the program I was chewing gum regularly every time I like I always had to buy a pack of gum at the store because I needed to have 1 in my car in my purse. In my pockets like in my coat because gum was a big distractor for me. Um, and then during the season I think I think I during um when I joined up. Um the group already at that point I had taken off my head braces for 2 years so I couldn't chew gum anyway which was really hard for me with my anxiety.
25:51.68
ahealthypush
Yaing um.
26:05.22
ahealthypush
I mean.
26:08.39
Maria
Was learning other methods to help you know I would bring chips or something in the car with me to chew because I think even though it's eating it was chewning that made me distracted um but when I took off the braces I was like oh I can go back to gum but I didn't go back to gum at that point which was a huge huge surprise for me.
26:11.96
ahealthypush
Yeah, yeah.
26:20.42
ahealthypush
Yeah.
26:24.57
Maria
But yeah, peeling away those little things over time you know not having to have the security blanket with you. Um, you know I would always have like extra things in the car with me you know clothes like things that I was like we don't need all this extra stuff so slowly peeling away things. Um, and. Those are huge for me page turners like slowly you know it was scary. Don't get me wrong and it was like slow distances first and then further and further um, but just for me the biggest thing was join the program and then just practicing what I was preaching because once I knew I invested my time I have to practice. It.
26:42.18
ahealthypush
Yeah, yeah.
26:56.12
Maria
You know and I still had little moments of kinks and moments of anxiety but it was kind of like take a deep breath. He could do it. You know and there were sometimes that I failed too that I had to start over like you know I would drop off my son every day to school and I would not look forward to it.
26:56.19
ahealthypush
Yep.
27:10.85
Maria
All day the day before I'm like I had to drop off tomorrow that means I can't eat late like I would start thinking of them like no, no no have dinner. Normally it's fine and worry about it in the morning when you get there like you don't have to think about this right now. It's not today. Um, that's kind of how I started it I was taking baby steps I think baby steps is the biggest thing and having patience with yourself.
27:17.50
ahealthypush
Hemp. Love that.
27:28.61
Maria
And being okay failing. So like I one time went to drop off with him and literally turn around and go back home and he was 10 minutes late that day and that happened 1 time the whole year which was crazy because I'm like once it happened once and it was ironically closer to the beginning. Um. Already knew. Okay, now every time and my brain already told me that every time you're doing this. You're gonna be doing this every time now because you did it once now every day you're gonna drop off, you're gonna have to deal with the the bathroom and I'm like okay here my brain's already telling me how it's gonna go which we don't know how it's gonna go right? Um, so I would just tell myself like be confident.
27:50.73
ahealthypush
Um.
27:57.20
ahealthypush
When.
28:02.96
Maria
It's a 5 minute thing down a road like you got this and they will just became a routine and I was just but the routine instead of it being security and repetitiveness and like the ocd of the bathroom it was more so like giving myself the 5 minutes of pumping myself up and saying you've got this. Couple of breaths. Let's breathe. You know this is how we're gonna do it and that's just try it and if it doesn't work. It doesn't work. No one's there to judge you. Let's just do it and that slowly became like my mantra of every day and of like okay you got this, you have this like it's just confidence and that just boosted myself up so that it wouldn't cross my mind that.
28:21.60
ahealthypush
Yeah.
28:36.55
ahealthypush
Yeah.
28:37.81
Maria
You know the opposite it was going to happen. But it's just the brain is so it's once you start getting closer to the recovery piece and you start seeing your brain from like the third person. It's kind of like who have you been who are you to me right? like it's funny because then all of a sudden you see your brain from a different point of view and it's such a.
28:46.94
ahealthypush
Um, ah right.
28:56.50
Maria
Intricate like part of us that really screws with you. So I really am not never surprised and people always tell me like oh my God that person's so like crazy I can't believe that person did that to that person like you know when you see things on the news I'm like um I could believe it because you know there's something like this I feel like people don't realize how much the brain.
29:09.51
ahealthypush
Ah, right.
29:13.20
ahealthypush
And.
29:14.94
Maria
Does to you and controls you and and until you get to a point where of like being addicted to something like for me, you know, just and it's funny because people always would dumb play my situation of like oh just a bathroom just go potty and you're fine. Well you don't understand I live around it. It's not like I'm just with the go Pete and come back. You know, um, and.
29:24.82
ahealthypush
Right? Yeah yeah.
29:34.55
Maria
I Think the practice and then just motivating yourself and it sounds crazy when someone tells you that in the beginning when you're really in the deep because it sounds silly. It sounds like you're just telling me gibberish to make me feel better I'm not doing that.. It's not gonna work. But I feel like if you just at that point give in and literally give up and say. Whatever happens happens I got to try it. So I think that's what got me ultimately to recovery is the openness and willingness I think it was at the point of desperation and I think sometimes you have to get there to get here and that's the worst part.
29:55.20
ahealthypush
Him. Ah.
30:06.41
ahealthypush
Ah, a thousand percent I mean you and I experienced toilet anxiety so similarly and it's one of the hardest like looking back I even feel like now I struggled with the panic attacks the you know. Just the tremendous fears like I had fear surrounding so many things. The bathroom thing. Oh it had to have been like right up there with panic attacks like it. It's so debilitating it feels like it's impossible to ever get through it to get better. You just really.
30:33.57
Maria
Um, yeah.
30:38.91
ahealthypush
Like you I got into that hole right of like this is the rest of my life and what the heck am I going to do if the rest of my life revolves around me needing a bathroom to be right next to me like that's not practical like we can't do this. But so yeah I mean I'm just so appreciative because I work with.
30:49.24
Maria
Um, yeah.
30:57.58
ahealthypush
Hundreds of people who have struggled are struggling with toilet anxiety and you can really feel like there is nobody else like nobody struggles with this I am crazy and I am just so appreciative to you for coming on and being so honest and vulnerable and sharing like.
31:06.45
Maria
Um, and a.
31:14.59
ahealthypush
Everything that you shared because it shows people like no, you are not the only one there are so many people and men women So many people out there people just like you and you're not weird crazy broken and like this is something that you can actually recover from. So.
31:20.35
Maria
Um, and.
31:29.76
Maria
Yeah, yeah, I'm glad you did you created the program but I'm also glad that So many people were open to joining and you know sharing their stories because it ultimately got me where I am at.
31:32.44
ahealthypush
I appreciate you so much Maria.
31:40.79
ahealthypush
Um, yep.
31:43.67
Maria
And without everybody else's vulnerability enjoying the program and being on and listening to people talk I Also kind of wish I could hear who from our group that we worked with like where they're at it would be so nice to do like everyunion of the group and say everybody is everybody. Yeah, and if someone is still struggling to be those motivators I probably would be.
31:53.65
ahealthypush
You have no one.
32:00.27
Maria
Exciting to see but I'm I'm hoping everyone that we've talked to in the past is at least on the road to the right and the right path hasn't given up because that would be that would break my heart but it's it's wild to think I think I can't even imagine harm here like 1 of people asking my I don't even I can't even tell you a trip to tell you that you know I'm even I have um, a friend who i'm.
32:14.90
ahealthypush
Yana.
32:19.45
Maria
Trying to push and take the program because I told her I said it's just and I'm like I'm not gonna give you my packet because it's not the same as talk and like the biggest thing is just talking the talking and listening and being vulnerable and opening up to the group is what's going to age your recovery.
32:31.85
ahealthypush
Yeah.
32:33.60
Maria
Just being open you know and and now when I drive in a car and I see someone next to me driving I'm like oh that person could have toilet anxiety. You never know you know someone's rushing you know or rocking quickly through the store I'm like hope they need to go patty you know, like now it's more funny to me and open versus like you're the only one in the world. You feel like you're the only one. So I think the biggest takeaway is just.
32:39.69
ahealthypush
Um, yeah I.
32:47.66
ahealthypush
And yet.
32:52.69
Maria
Being vulnerable joining something talking about it. Yeah yeah, it's crazy to think but I'm excited but I still have moments of like fear for future. So I'm like ah so every time I have a moment I'm like okay, bring it back and move along So I'm hoping this continues. But so far it's been great and and.
32:56.97
ahealthypush
Yeah, ah well.
33:04.57
ahealthypush
And it.
33:11.24
ahealthypush
Of course, you're skeptical, but you've built so much trust of course.
33:11.93
Maria
Moving good in the right direction. Let' So yeah, you're always gonna have it. That's a thing I think people don't realize too is they think recovery. They think they're gonna never go enough to think about it and that was one thing I was looking forward to when I was watching your stuff and and the program I was like.
33:25.21
ahealthypush
Yep.
33:26.97
Maria
I got it feel so nice that I'll never go to think about this again, but that was an unrealistic expectation because it's not true I'm sure when you still do your hikes or you're going on a trip and you're like my god I'm going to be away from a bathroom flight 5 hours like you I'm sure it crosses it but it's just kind of deleted quicker. You know before you would soak on it.
33:27.73
ahealthypush
Um, yeah.
33:41.50
ahealthypush
Um, oh yeah, all day. Um.
33:43.80
Maria
For like all day of a how I gonna accomplish this how much like I've done so many car poolols in the last couple of months like cut it and I think back I like how did I do that day. How did I function shit like going suddenly knowing there's no restroom or carpooling knowing I'm not going to stop the line and pull over and you know it's I don't know it's exciting.
33:51.58
ahealthypush
Um, yeah, yeah.
33:58.40
ahealthypush
Um, Ah, we think we think so much with the recovery in general right? It means you don't panic anymore. It means you don't have any of the anxious thoughts anymore. It means you don't ever like worry about things you used to worry about and it's like no some of that stuff will just pop into your head sometimes totally even unannounced and you're like what the heck.. Thanks Brain. But like you said you can work through it much more quickly and sort of just delete like no, we're not going there and yeah of course I've had my moments I mean we've had you know like I'm super adventurous and we've had moments where I'm like ah we're in a boat and I have to go to the bathroom just like but this is real life like this stuff happens and it's like okay.
34:19.70
Maria
Um, yeah.
34:27.92
Maria
Yeah, yeah, and I still I still see people doing things where I'm like how do they do that without thinking about it. But I'm sure they're still thinking about there's so many things I see you know people Everyone who has social media knows where there's people who are.
34:34.94
ahealthypush
Like.
34:44.49
Maria
Traveling or doing crazy things where there's no bathroom for a long time I was like how would they? How do they do this, you know, still my boggles in my mind I'm like how how do they function like this. How can they just eat and just go for a ride like my my brother just actually got his pilot's license and he's telling like I got to take you for a flight and I'm like.
34:48.23
ahealthypush
Yeah, yeah.
35:00.58
Maria
Okay, you know what I'm actually open to it because I'm a different level. So I think I can handle it which is crazy to say out loud but on his end you know he'll eat like a meal or fly somewhere have lunch and fly home I was like how how do you do that? you know, but he's like it's never I never had an issue and I was like I envy you because.
35:03.24
ahealthypush
Um, yeah.
35:19.33
Maria
I've never been there before before I got here to think that way to this day I told was like I'm not pulling over for lunch with you but I will go for a flight but it's just crazy to think that there's people who are just do it that way because they didn't have that anxiety you know I told them I like one day you're gonna if you poop your pants you're gonna be where I was because you're gonna.
35:20.67
ahealthypush
Yeah, you know.
35:32.48
ahealthypush
Um, right.
35:37.72
Maria
Having fear like I hope you poop in your plane one day because I want to see how you handle it. Um and he's like no I'm not that anxious I'm like you never know what want to stomach aches and I kind of feel like I have to give him more exit because I have to play it and see what he does but it's just it's so funny, but it's so true like you you envy these people who just.
35:40.80
ahealthypush
Ah I.
35:45.63
ahealthypush
Right? right.
35:56.23
Maria
Function and do life and you're like I envy you I want to do life with you and it just like my husband's the same way. He just does things like how and now that I'm here I'm like okay I kind of see how you do it. It's more so I have to practice more and you're already there. So it's Google.
35:58.64
ahealthypush
Yeah.
36:05.24
ahealthypush
Yeah, yeah, and we we just like you said though, some people have just never even had the thought the fear the anxiety but they struggle with other things trust me and some people I'm like Nope I don't want to switch I would never have switched to that other person. So.
36:20.61
Maria
Um, yeah.
36:25.90
ahealthypush
But Emily Marie I appreciate you so much. This has been such a good helpful conversation and I am just so appreciative for you for being vulnerable and sharing and you're just so awesome and I am just so excited for you in this next season of your life and welcoming another child and oh my gosh I'm just so happy.
36:36.16
Maria
Um, yeah, yeah, but I'll keep following and seeing along I love watching the videos and seeing and it just kind of makes me laugh now when I watch them because like oh my God This was me.
36:44.81
ahealthypush
Yeah, right right.
36:49.58
Maria
Um, but this it's the key thing is it's still going to be you. So I think people need to just be open to the idea that you're going to recover but you're never going to be hundred percent it's still a part of you to be a little anxious if you're not anxious. You're not a human you have to be anxious you know, but all right? Thank you so much.
36:56.37
ahealthypush
Yeah, there is no hundred percent good god right? right? Exactly all right? Well thanks for you. We'll talk against you and I'm sure.
37:09.22
Maria
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
