Feeling Anger, Sadness, and Shame for How Anxiety Has Affected You and Your Life
- Shannon Jackson
- Dec 17, 2023
- 4 min read
In this podcast episode, I want to talk about some of the tough emotions that might accompany an anxiety disorder. And I want to talk about this stuff because I know how isolating this journey can be, and how hard it can feel to carry these things alone.
Feeling Anger, Sadness, Frustration and Shame for How Anxiety Has Affected You and Your Life
The Tough Emotions That Come With Anxiety
Anxiety can lead to many tricky emotions like anger, sadness, and frustration to name a few. You might feel these emotions for lots of different reasons, so let’s talk about some of them!
You might be feeling anger, sadness, or frustration because…
You feel like there’s so much you’ve lost because of your struggles with anxiety
Reflecting on how much time has passed since you’ve been struggling
Feeling like you’re disappointing others because you’re struggling
Wishing for your old life or a time when you weren’t struggling as much
Not being able to do what you want and live how you want to because of anxiety
If you’re feeling anger, sadness, frustration, or any other tricky emotions because of any of these things, I want you to hear me… Of course you feel these things! You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. It’s so normal to feel these things! And it’s so important to let yourself feel what you feel.
Navigating Shame
One of the toughest things so many people struggle with when they're working to heal from anything is shame. And it’s often something that people don’t even recognize they’re struggling with. But when I work with clients and especially students in my Panic to Peace program, we often uncover that shame is a big piece that we need to work through.
So what is shame? Well, one of my favorite researchers, writers, and overall human, Brene Brown, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. We feel like something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. Shame often leaves us feeling immobilized, or worse, feeling ready to strike out as a way of offloading the pain of disconnection.”
You might feel…
Shame that you’re struggling
Shame about what your life currently looks like
Shame about what you’re unable to do right now
Shame for what you’ve missed out on
Shame for how your struggles are impacting others
And shame can often look like…
“I suck. I’m a terrible person. I’m not capable.”
“I can’t do it. I’m a failure.”
“I’m always going to be this person.”
“I’m a terrible partner, parent, etc.”
Shame can be one of the most damaging things because it attacks you and who you are! It’s so important to recognize that your relationship with shame is hugely impacting your journey with anxiety, and your relationship with yourself! Shame shapes so many of your choices and interactions. It can create lots of fear and often leaves you feeling trapped, isolated, and powerless. I want to share some tips to help you start working with the shame you might be experiencing.
A few tips for navigating shame…
Recognize it, label the emotion you're feeling. Be aware of when it’s present.
Try to resist pushing it away or trying to bury it. Instead, start practicing ackowledging it and letting yourself feel it. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel it (Because it is!).
Speak the thoughts and feelings out loud. Write them down and share them. Shame gets its power from trying to be suppressed and silenced.
Release it! Tell shame that you won’t allow it to hold space in your mind. This might look like changing the stories you’re telling yourself.
Most importantly… lots of self-compassion!
Changing the Stories We Tell Ourselves
I want you to remember that it’s okay to struggle. Every human has struggles, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of! Most often, the negative stories we tell ourselves contribute to the tricky feelings we might have during anxiety recovery. These stories can make anxiety recovery much more difficult than it needs to be. So I want to share some ways that you can change the stories you tell yourself!
Tips for changing the unhelpful stories…
It’s okay that your life has looked how it has, and it’s okay that it looks how it does right now. It won’t always be filled with anxiety like it is now. Don’t overlook how goodness continues to show up, even when anxiety is present.
It’s okay if you’re not able to do certain things right now, and that doesn’t make you a failure. You have made progress and will continue to make progress. Ask yourself…what’s a small step I can take to move closer to my goal today?
It’s okay if you’ve missed out on some things. You can’t change the past, but you can take healthy action today so that you don’t continue to miss out.
It’s okay if your struggles have impacted others. I’m sure you can think of ways that other people’s struggles have impacted yours. Do you resent them or wish the relationship didn’t exist because of it? I doubt it!
You might be able to see what I’m doing in these examples… I’m using awareness and lots of self-compassion to change these stories. Because here’s the truth… you’re one heck of an amazing person, anxiety and all. And I’m so proud of the work that you’re doing!
And here's something I told myself often when I was working to recover that helped me a ton: Just because you feel it doesn't mean it fits. You've got to let yourself feel the shame, but just because you feel it doesn't mean it fits. It doesn’t mean it holds a place or serves a purpose. Let yourself feel all of the emotions, including shame. Allow yourself to face it and stop carrying it. You have to cultivate acceptance for what was, and what is so that you can allow yourself to change.
Tricky emotions, shame, and embarrassment are all things we work through in my 10-week program, Panic to Peace. The doors for my signature program will be opening again in January! You can join the waiting list for early access and a special discount. Until next time, friend, keep taking healthy action!
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to a healthy push Podcast. I'm Shannon Jackson, former anxiety sufferer turned adventure mom and anxiety recovery coach. I struggled with anxiety, panic disorder and agoraphobia for 15 years. And now I help people to push past the stuff that I used to struggle with. Each week, I'll be sharing real and honest conversations along with actionable and practical steps that you can take to help you push past your anxious thoughts, the symptoms, panic and fears. Welcome. You're right, we're meant to be.
Alright, I know you probably read the title of this episode, and that, oh, gosh, this is going to be some heavy stuff. And yes, it is definitely going to be some heavy stuff. But I want to help make this less heavy. So the most obvious thing, right is that struggling with an anxiety disorder is incredibly hard because you're struggling with a really tricky, tough emotion, which is anxiety. And it's something that you likely run up against on a day to day basis. And it can be so draining and so tiring. But I think something that people don't talk about enough is all of the other really hard and tricky emotions that also come along with struggling with an anxiety disorder. And it's things like anger and sadness and frustration, and shame. And I know this was one of the hardest parts of struggling with panic disorder and agoraphobia. It wasn't just the anxiety, there was so much more to this struggle. So yeah, in this episode, I want to talk about the tough emotions that often accompany struggling with anxiety disorder. And I want to talk about this and have this conversation because I know how isolating the journey can be. And I know how hard it can feel to feel like you're carrying all of this stuff, essentially alone. And honestly, talking about all of this stuff is hard. And it still brings up emotion for me, even though I've been recovered for seven years, because anxiety and all these other tricky and tough emotions affected my life for 15 years, and it's so dang hard. So let's just start by being real, right, struggling with an anxiety disorder comes along with a lot of really hard stuff. And a lot of the really hard stuff is constantly feeling like you're battling a lot of really hard and tricky emotions. And I think that we all feel, you know, many different emotions for many different reasons. But I want to talk about some of the reasons why we feel a lot of the sadness and frustration and anger and shame, because I think there are so many commonalities as to why we struggle with these emotions. So for you, you might feel anger, or sadness, or frustration or many other tricky emotions, because you feel like there's so much that you may be lost because of your struggles with anxiety. Like maybe you lost career opportunities, maybe you lost relationships, maybe you lost, you know, really big moves or events or really special moments in life. And to feel like there is so much that you've lost because of anxiety is incredibly hard. And I think similarly, you might feel like there are lots of things that you've missed out on, and, and maybe things that you're currently missing out on now. Like maybe it's your kids activities, or night outs with friends, or going on adventures, or just having the freedom like in your day to day to go the places you have to go and to do the things you want to do. And just to know, I can go and do and I don't have to be consumed by all this really hard stuff. You might also feel some tricky emotions, because you feel like there's a lot of time that you've wasted. I know for me, this was one of the hardest things I would often sit and sort of reflect and instantly feel very down because I would think and acknowledge of how much time had passed and how much time I had been sitting in my struggles. And I hadn't really done the things that I wanted to do. And I felt like a lot of my time and a lot of the years that I should have been having fun and doing these amazing things like I didn't get that. And I think a big part two that that people don't talk about enough is I think there's a lot of grief that comes along with struggling with an anxiety disorder or really any struggle. And I think that's a whole nother episode.
I need to do a whole nother episode on grief. But I think that is a part of it, you're sort of grieving, the things that you've missed out on the time that that maybe you feel like you've wasted, there's so much to that it's so heavy, and it's so hard. And I think then there's also this feeling like, You have disappointed others, like you've let your significant other down, or your parents or just your loved ones, like you let them down, because there's so much that you haven't been able to do. And maybe there's so much that you still feel you're not capable of doing. And that can be incredibly hard to carry. It carries a bunch of emotions. And I think also you can feel a lot of tricky emotions. When you think about what your life used to look like. Like you've looked back and you think what the heck happened, like I used to go and do I used to just get in the car, I used to take the trips I used to get on the planes, I used to do all of this without being consumed by anxiety. And that can be incredibly hard and filled with so many emotions, like anger and sadness and frustration. And then I think there's also this just feeling of not being able to do what you want and live how you want to live, because of anxiety. And that can bring up some really tough stuff. So whatever your reasons are, I'm sure some of these resonated with you. And I'm sure there are probably many others. I just want you to acknowledge some important things. If you're feeling anger, sadness, frustration, or other tricky and hard emotions, because of some of these reasons or other reasons.
It makes sense that you feel these things. Of course, you feel these things, you would not be a human being if you didn't feel these things, or have these thoughts, and feel like this is all really overwhelming. It's so normal to feel these things. And it's really, really important to let yourself feel what you feel. I know I talk about this often. But I think it's so important to talk about, I think so many of us get stuck in this trap of telling ourselves, we shouldn't, or we can't feel what we're feeling. Or we create really horrible stories about how we feel. Or oftentimes I hear people say, you know, Shannon, I know that I shouldn't feel this way, or I know that this sounds horrible. And I'm like, it doesn't, it doesn't sound horrible. It sounds like you're human. And I think it totally makes sense. So I think of course, rather than telling ourselves, we can't or we shouldn't feel the way that we feel, we instead need to make space for how we feel right? We need to work on being better about allowing ourselves to feel what we feel. I know there are many times in my own journey where I would experience the really tough, tricky emotions, and I would just instantly try to shut it down. Like I wasn't even really good at recognizing when it was present. But when I did recognize that these really big and sometimes scary emotions were present, I would try to shut them down. Like I would tell myself Nope, you can't feel this, you can't go there, I would create horrible stories about how he was feeling. And I did this with all my emotions, like, especially with anxiety. But I also did this with anger and sadness and frustration, because these emotions would really freak me out. Like anger really freaked me out. And it made so much sense that there were so many times where I felt angry, like there was a lot that I felt I couldn't do, it was frustrating. It just felt really overwhelming. And it made sense that I felt angry, but I just wouldn't let myself feel it. And I would then feel bad about getting angry and, and feeling sadness. Like I would feel bad about feeling sad. And I would tell myself that I couldn't feel sad because I was already such a downer. And I was already you know, struggling with so much and it's just I convinced myself I couldn't make any space for any of these emotions. And I think such a big part of healing right is being able to recognize what you're feeling that's sort of step one because you have to be able to call out and and really recognize what you're feeling in order to make space for it. So step one, right recognize what you're feeling and then to making space for it and making space in a kind and gentle way. Like this means really resisting being so judgy of yourself and what you're feeling and resisting being so critical right and mean to yourself and resisting placing blame or or shame and I think that word shame. I want to talk a bit more about it.
because I think one of the toughest things that so many people struggle with when they're working to heal from anything really is shame. And it's definitely something I see pop up when I'm working with my one on one clients, and especially students in my panic to Peace program, like we get a little bit into the program. And we quickly uncovered that shame is a big piece that we're needing to work through. So let's just start by what is shame, because I think having a better understanding, of course, will help with this conversation. So one of my favorite researchers and writers and just overall human beings is Brene Brown, and she has done so much work on shame. And I want to use her definition because I think it's incredibly helpful. So she defined shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love, and belonging, we feel like something we've experienced, done or failed to do, makes us unworthy of connection. Shame often leaves us feeling immobilized or worse, feeling ready to strike out as a way of offloading the pain of disconnection. Gosh, I think this is just so spot on. Like, shame is such a painful feeling. It really is. This, this notion, this idea, this belief that we're not worthy, that there's something wrong with us. And shame is so tricky, because it's so personal. Like, you might feel shame for the fact that you're struggling, right, and that your life looks how it does right now, or has looked how it's looked. Or the fact that you're not able to do something this or that you've missed out on things, or that your struggles are impacting other's lives. And I just want to break down simply what shame can look like. So it often looks like having these ideas of ISOC, right, I suck, I'm always going to be this person, and not set in a good way, right? I'm always gonna be this person, like, it's such a terrible thing. And adding on, right, I'm a terrible person, I'm not capable, I can't do this, I'm such a failure. I'm a terrible partner, or parent, etc. You know, shame is one of the most damaging things because it attacks you. It's so personal attacks who you are. And the truth is like, Yes, you are struggling with an anxiety disorder. But the anxiety disorder doesn't make up who you are, like the anxiety disorder, and the really tough experiences and the emotions and the things that you've gone through. They haven't, and they can't take away all of the amazing parts of you that exist. And it doesn't make you a certain type of person or a terrible person or a terrible partner. And it absolutely doesn't mean that you're a failure. You know, I work with a lot of clients and students on a daily basis. And I am always blown away by how amazing the people are that I get to work with like they are smart, they're funny, they're curious, and creative, and compassionate and passionate humans and witty, and just gosh, I love the time that I am able to spend with these people. And I would take them any day over the people who aren't struggling with an anxiety disorder. And this is because the anxiety disorder doesn't define the human. So in order to actually allow you to see this amazing human being that you are and how capable you are, we have to work to remove shame from the equation. And I want to talk about what this looks like I want to talk about some helpful steps, some helpful things that you can do to remove shame from the equation. And this really rings true for all the tough, tricky emotions. So sort of step one that we talked about right is you have to recognize it, you have to be aware of when it's present. And then the next step is you have to resist your go to right you have to resist pushing it away or trying to bury it, trying to get rid of it. You really have to work to acknowledge it and make space for it and feel it and really honor it. Tell yourself right it's okay to feel what I'm feeling. Because it is and it's an absolutely necessary part right to acknowledge and to feel. And then sort of the next thing right is you have to allow yourself to actually speak the thoughts and feelings out loud, like you actually have to share these things. Because shame gets a lot of its power from trying to be suppressed and silenced. So it's really important that you not only allow yourself to acknowledge and feel these things, but to actually speak them out loud to actually write them down, share them, allow yourself to say
sort of get rid of right? This hard stuff that you're carrying. And you know, this really looks like releasing it and, and a lot of releasing the hard stuff, a lot of releasing these things that you're holding on to looks like changing the stories that you're telling yourself about your struggles and about your experiences, and about how you're feeling. And you have to use self compassion when you're doing this work. And this is why I talk so much about self compassion, because it really is one of those tools that is necessary. It's a necessary part of anxiety, recovery, and just healing in general. So you know, these steps in recognizing it, allowing yourself to feel speaking that thoughts and feelings out loud, releasing them changing the stories using self compassion. These are all things that I work with my one on one clients with, and my students in my programs, this is the stuff I teach, because this is truly how you release these tough, tricky emotions. It's how you create the healthy relationship with these emotions. It's how you move past them, and how you create that really healthy relationship with yourself. So just speaking to shame in general, right, it's really important to recognize that your relationship with shame, does hugely impact your journey with anxiety, and your relationship with yourself. Shame, you know, shapes so many of your choices and interactions. And it can create a lot of fear and often leaves you feeling trapped and isolated and powerless. So it's really important that you allow yourself to recognize when shame is present, you make space for it, you allow yourself to process it in a healthy way. So I want you to really hear me here because I want to walk through some things that I think are going to be helpful for you.
It is okay, that your life has looked how it's looked. And it's okay that it looks how it does right now, it won't always look this way, it will always be filled with anxiety like it is now. But you cannot overlook the ways in which goodness has and continues to show up now in your life, even with anxiety present. And it's okay that you're not able to do some things right now, that does not make you a failure, you have made progress, and you'll continue to make progress. So it's about really asking yourself, what's a small step I can take right now that's going to move me closer to being able to do the things that I want to do. And it's okay that you've missed out on some things. You cannot change the past, right? We can't go back and we can't change what has happened. But you can take control of what's happening right now. The only place you have control of is in the present. So what can you do right now, that's going to help you not to continue to miss out on things. And it's okay that your struggles have impacted others. This is an okay thing. You know, I think we really convinced ourselves, my struggles, the things that I'm going through can't impact other people. And it's just so silly. Like we are all human. We're all struggling. And I'm sure you can think of ways in which other struggles have impacted you and your life. And do you resent them? And do you wish that your relationship with them didn't exist because of their struggles? Like I doubt it, right? So with these few things that I've I've gone through, can you see what I'm doing here? I'm really trying to pay attention to the stories, right, the you might have created based off of the tricky emotions that you feel. And I'm pulling in self compassion. And I'm really working to change these stories. Because you've got to change the inner dialogue, you've got to change your relationship with these tough and tricky emotions. And the truth is, you are one heck of an amazing person, even with anxiety, and I'm so proud of you. And I'm so proud of the work that you're doing. Please try not to minimize the work that you're doing. You are amazing to be functioning, how you're functioning, while struggling with an anxiety disorder. And I want to share this because I think this will be really helpful. It was really helpful for me in my own recovery journey. So something I told myself often when I was working really hard to heal. Was Shannon just because you feel it doesn't mean it fits. And this worked really well. For me it was shame because I often felt so much shame, but it often didn't fit. And when I say it didn't fit, I mean it didn't really hold a place it didn't serve a purpose. So you really got to make space right let yourself feel the shame but just because you feel something especially something tough and tricking kind of doesn't mean it fits. So overall when you actually become aware of your emotions right when
You can recognize them, label them, respond to them in a healthy way, change the way you respond to yourself. Like, that's when you can actually start to heal and live the life you want to live. And this is all the stuff that we go over in my panic to Peace program, which is going to be opening again in January. We work through all these tough and tricky emotions, like shame and anger and embarrassment and frustration and sadness. Like we work through this stuff, I guide you, I teach you really helpful tools, I motivate you, I hold you accountable. And you have so many other people who are also in this journey with you and I are on a similar path. And you can get so much validation and support and kindness and compassion. And if you're looking to really create this healthy relationship with your emotions and a healthy relationship with yourself, I really encourage you to check out the program. And again, like I said, the doors will be opening in January. And if you're on a waiting list, you'll get a really special discount. And you'll also get early access because I do cap the amount of people who are in the program. So I will put the link to that in the show notes. If you have interest, I would love to see you hop on the waiting list. And I just have to say one more thing, because I will kick myself if I don't you really when you're working to recover, you have to cultivate acceptance for what was and what is and what things currently look like what they have looked like, because this is how you can actually allow yourself to move forward and to change and part of this acceptance is getting honest with yourself, right? How much more am I going to let anxiety take? How much more am I going to allow? You know, I struggled for so long because I was in victim mode for so long. I overlooked all the ways in which I had control. And I overlooked all the ways in which I could change things. Because I was just choosing to stay in it. And of course I didn't want to but I wasn't willing to face the hard stuff. I wasn't willing to get honest with myself. And when I really cultivated the acceptance when I really got honest with myself, when I really said Shannon No, there is so much that you have control of and you need to make the choice over and over again to change. That's when it actually happened. So I know this might be tough stuff to hear. I know this episode is going to be jam packed with a lot of really hard and heavy stuff. But I hope this has helped to take some of the heaviness off your plate. I'm really here because I want to support you and I want to make your journey less, less hard and less long. So I hope I've done that for you and until next time, my friend. Keep taking healthy action.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of a healthy push. If you want more, head on over to ahealthypush.com for the show notes and lots more tips, tools and inspiration that will support your recovery. And if you're hoping for me to cover a certain topic, be sure to join my Instagram community @ahealthypush and let me know in the comments what you want to hear next.
