A Pro Athlete on Anxiety, Burnout, and a Life-Changing Mental Health Break

On the surface, a professional athlete's life looks like the pinnacle of success: peak physical condition, cheering crowds, and a career built on passion. But behind the scenes, there's often an unseen game being played, a relentless battle against performance anxiety, burnout, and immense mental pressure. What happens when that internal struggle becomes too much to bear?

For professional soccer player Bethany Balcer, the unseen game reached a breaking point. In a deeply honest conversation on the A Healthy Push podcast, she revealed the raw details of her experience with athlete burnout and the life-changing decision to take a mental health break from the sport she loves. Her journey offers a powerful look at the importance of professional athlete mental health and the courage it takes to press pause.

Recognizing the Signs of Athlete Burnout

For over a year, Bethany pushed through mounting stress, driven by a powerful fear of letting everyone down: her coaches, her team, and her family. "I used every excuse in the book to just keep playing because I thought that I would be letting everybody down," she shared. This pressure is a common factor in athlete burnout, but her body was sending clear signals that she could no longer ignore.

The breaking point came during a preseason practice. "I was just so overwhelmed... I would just feel this flood of emotions... if I can't get through a training session without being this overwhelmed, something needs to change". She bravely walked into her coach's office and said, "I need a break". The moment she advocated for her own mental health, a weight was lifted off her shoulders.

Managing Panic Attacks and Performance Anxiety on the Field

One of the most powerful parts of Bethany's story is how she learned to manage panic attacks in a high-stakes environment. She recounted her first panic attack, which happened during a tournament in 2020, leaving her hyperventilating and terrified.

Since then, she has learned that trying to push through the performance anxiety only makes it worse. Instead of hiding it, she now takes action. There are times mid-game where she will sit down, have the trainer come over, and simply take a minute because she needs it. "It wasn't letting the anxiety win," she explained. "It was letting my body... decompress and do what it needs to do to get myself back to where I need to be". Her story is a profound permission slip for anyone who fears their anxiety being seen in public.

Navigating the Athlete Identity Crisis

A significant part of the unseen game is the athlete identity crisis, where an individual's self-worth becomes completely tied to their performance. Taking a break forced Bethany to confront who she was without the game. The realization was transformative: "I was like, wow, I'm actually going to be really okay without soccer".

This new perspective allowed her to overcome the pressure and return to the sport with a healthier mindset. She now finds purpose in things beyond the scoreboard, like building strong relationships with her teammates and leaving a positive legacy, rather than focusing solely on goals and stats.

Tools for Overcoming Burnout and Anxiety

Throughout her mental health break and since returning, Bethany has cultivated several practices to stay grounded:

• Neutralizing Thoughts: Instead of fighting the cycle of overthinking, she works to make her thoughts neutral, stripping them of their power so they no longer control her emotions or actions.

• Daily Gratitude: She has found that "anxiety and gratefulness can't coexist a lot". Starting her day by focusing on what she's grateful for helps manage anxiety before it can take hold.

• Pre-Game Rituals: Before every game, Bethany walks a lap around the field with calming music, speaking positive affirmations to prepare the space and her mind for a sense of safety and freedom.

Her journey reminds us that true healing isn’t about eliminating anxiety but learning how to relate to it differently. As Bethany powerfully states, "I can have anxiety, but anxiety doesn't have to have me". It's about recognizing you have the power to choose your response, even when the unseen game feels overwhelming.

To hear more about Bethany Balcer's inspiring story of vulnerability and strength in professional sports, listen to the full episode of A Healthy Push on your favorite podcast platform.

Episode 207 Transcript:

00:01.92

Shannon Jackson

Okay, I have a guest with me today and I'm super excited to have this conversation because it's a very different one than I've ever had before on the podcast, but super relevant and it's just going to be a really good one. So today i have Bethany Balzer with me and she's actually a professional soccer player, which is just so freaking cool.

00:24.49

Shannon Jackson

Bethany, welcome to a healthy push podcast.

00:27.71

Bethany Balcer

Thank you for having me.

00:29.14

Shannon Jackson

Yeah, I am so excited. so let's just start. Tell us a little bit about you Like who who is Bethany?

00:38.25

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, so I'm from a really small town in Michigan, um and I've been playing soccer ever since I could remember. So soccer has always been ah really important part.

00:50.69

Bethany Balcer

of my life, of my family's life. I have four siblings and we all played it growing up. And it was just that sport. While I did other things, it was kind of like the backbone of my existence in a way.

01:01.56

Shannon Jackson

Thank you.

01:02.20

Bethany Balcer

And so I got to play high school collegiate level and then got the opportunity to go and join a pro team. I actually kind of tried out with the team. I didn't get drafted. Like there's drafts for the, for the league and um was invited to this preseason out in Seattle and made, made the team like as a, as a trialist. And so dream come true. Obviously I didn't know how,

01:29.62

Bethany Balcer

plausible it was or realistic it was for me. So to even get the opportunity it was really cool. And yeah, I've been playing professional soccer for six years now. I'm in my seventh year and have been on two different teams. But yeah, just so excited that I'm able to get paid to do something that I love um and just have a really unique job, honestly. um And yeah, I think obviously we're going to talk a lot about mental health today, but that's a huge part of my story as well. And just um how it plays into my job, because it is a unique job with different stressors and anxieties that present itself. And

02:13.68

Bethany Balcer

um yeah, I feel like every year I've just found different areas of growth um mentally and how I can apply it to my job and how I play on the field. So yeah, I mean, I'm passionate about mental health.

02:27.25

Bethany Balcer

I love playing soccer. I love my rescue dog. i love reading. Like that's a little bit, a little synopsis about me, I guess.

02:35.55

Shannon Jackson

I love that. It's just so cool. Like it's not most people's typical, right? Like I do something that I absolutely love every day and I get paid to do it.

02:44.14

Bethany Balcer

Yeah. yeah

02:46.61

Shannon Jackson

i want to start here because i think it's like a really good starting point, but like such a, um I'm sure like a vulnerable place to start too for you. Throughout this soccer career that you've had, right, the past six years, I imagine it's been quite a wild ride. And recently you had decided to take a mental health break.

03:10.04

Shannon Jackson

Can you start us here? And I'm sure we're going to go all over the place with your career and mental health, but I'd love to know why did you take that mental health break?

03:22.21

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, for sure. i think it was something that built up over time and kind of exploded within me. So I probably could have taken the break a year earlier, but I never did because I was always afraid of letting people down.

03:36.33

Bethany Balcer

I was like, if I'm not playing, like people are going to be upset they can't watch me.

03:37.18

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

03:40.91

Bethany Balcer

And you know people already have trips to come out and see me. like I used every excuse in the book to just keep playing because I thought that I would be letting everybody down. I'd be letting my team down, my coaches, my family, my friends, like everybody.

03:54.86

Bethany Balcer

But I didn't ask myself like, well, what about me? you know, i never like took that mental check in with myself of like, okay, but what could happen if I take this break? Like, what are the benefits of taking it? And it wasn't until earlier this year in preseason where I was just crying mid drill.

04:14.01

Bethany Balcer

I was just so overwhelmed. We were in the middle of practice and I would just feel this flood of emotions. Like i just wasn't satisfied. I wasn't having that joy. um All the stressors were just really high. And i i was like, okay, that it was kind of just a breaking point for me.

04:30.29

Bethany Balcer

i was like, if I can't get through ah training session without being this overwhelmed, something needs to change. And I think I just stopped thinking about other people and was thinking about myself for a second, which was obviously the best thing i could have done and um was able to just go into my coach's office and be like, I need a break.

04:50.18

Bethany Balcer

um And they were so incredibly supportive. um Our league gives you six up to six months of paid mental health leave, which is absolutely incredible. So it just gives us players the security to do it and the confidence to know like, okay, things won't change. Like I'm still going to get paid. And like the the mental game is just as important as like the physical side of it. So just to be able to have that opportunity, I was really grateful and relieved a lot of stress of, okay, what's going to happen next. So yeah, i took that break because i I couldn't get through a training without crying and being overwhelmed and stressed and,

05:29.49

Bethany Balcer

having anxiety about my performance, about comparing myself to other people on the team. And it it just hit a breaking point. And so I was able to take about four to five months off completely, completely separate myself from the sport um and was able to just breathe.

05:46.84

Bethany Balcer

It felt like for the first time in a while, i remember not going in that first day, i decided to take the break and just just a weight lifted off my shoulders is the best way I can describe it.

05:57.88

Shannon Jackson

Yeah, I bet. I mean, how long had you been feeling that way? Because I'm, you know, it's it's typical that we get signals from our body, right? Like crying where it feels like it's cut out of the middle of nowhere, feeling this really big sense of overwhelm, like just feeling so stressed.

06:14.54

Shannon Jackson

But typically, it's been building and it's kind of been under the surface before we start recognizing, oh, there's some stuff going on. So how long before was it that you kind of knew maybe now looking back like this, this has been going on for a little bit now.

06:30.85

Bethany Balcer

Honestly, probably like a year to a year and a half. I think there were definitely some things that just triggered like this identity piece in me that I don't think I had really figured out yet.

06:33.61

Shannon Jackson

Hmm.

06:41.68

Bethany Balcer

um And I just kind of pushed it to the side and it was like, we don't need to worry about that right now. And obviously had to worry about it eventually, but I definitely think there were a few moments where I was kind of rocked in terms of my identity.

06:55.62

Bethany Balcer

You know, whether it was just like getting benched one game or not getting the feedback I needed. Like there were certain things that happened that I think initially caused that like rift inside of me.

07:06.63

Shannon Jackson

Yeah. Oh, that must have been such a, I don't know, what was your experience like in being on the field and all of a sudden having all of these feelings where of course soccer has always been this thing that's like brought you a lot of joy and it is, has been such a big part of your identity. And now you're feeling like this is stressful, overwhelming, and I'm not even really feeling that sense of joy anymore. Like that must've been such a weird experience.

07:34.18

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, and honestly a little scary because it had provided so much joy. And so even through all the highs, like it was some through all the lows, it was something I wanted to still do. And now I came to a point where i was like, I don't even want to do it anymore.

07:46.85

Bethany Balcer

So it's just scary to come to that realization within myself of like, okay, where does soccer have its place in my life?

07:46.95

Shannon Jackson

Yeah. Yeah.

07:52.19

Bethany Balcer

Because separating yourself as like a human being from being this professional athlete can be really challenging because i don't want my identity to be in soccer, but it would be like a miss to not say that, yeah, soccer is a part of my identity because it's what I do. It's how people know me and that's okay.

08:10.76

Bethany Balcer

But how do I internally process that so that I'm not wrapped up in it?

08:11.32

Shannon Jackson

yeah

08:15.78

Bethany Balcer

ah So just the initial part of that was just scary, that separation of those two. And I think what I found out about myself during my mental health break is one, obviously as time went on, like I just felt so secure in who I am as a person and what I could still bring to this earth without soccer.

08:37.37

Bethany Balcer

Like I was like, wow, i'm actually going to be really okay without soccer. And I think recognizing that almost makes me like jump back into soccer with just a whole new perspective.

08:40.93

Shannon Jackson

Hmm.

08:47.51

Bethany Balcer

Um, Because I don't think I knew that before. I think a lot of athletes go through this. Who am I going to be after soccer? Like, what kind of career am I going to have? How am I going to have an impact on on on this world? And I think for me, that mental health rate showed me like, you are going to be just fine. So like, you can prioritize, like you can go back into the game now and just prioritize soccer rightly and play freely and and know that you're going to be okay on the other side.

09:13.90

Shannon Jackson

What a beautiful freaking realization. Like that is just so amazing. i am curious about this. I'm i'm like thinking ah somebody in your position, right? It obviously is scary.

09:27.80

Shannon Jackson

Did you have this anxiety too about, I'm going to tell my team and I'm going to step away from this thing and like, and my family and friends, like, like, was it so scary in that sense of telling them,

09:42.01

Shannon Jackson

I'm taking a mental health break and I need this. Like, what did that experience actually feel like for you?

09:48.07

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, so telling my family it was hard in the sense that I don't think they saw it coming. Cause I did such a good job at like hiding it and just like pretending like things were okay. So they were very much like, Oh, you've been feeling this way. Like, Oh, we were just here last week and you seemed fine. And so I hadn't really opened them up to what I was actually going through.

10:10.34

Bethany Balcer

um which I think was, I probably could have done a better job of that in retrospect, um, keeping them in the loop. But again, I think for me, it was like, I want to keep them proud. I want to keep them happy. So like,

10:20.75

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

10:20.78

Bethany Balcer

I'm going to put on this happy face. um So for my family, that part was difficult, like seeing their reaction and then knowing just how deep it was that like, I was really trying not to disappoint them. But obviously they were so loving and supporting and I knew they would be.

10:35.24

Bethany Balcer

ah But like knowing and believing are two very different things.

10:38.64

Shannon Jackson

yeah

10:39.98

Bethany Balcer

So yeah, telling that was telling my family and then telling my team was really interesting because I had gotten traded to this team last August. So I spent a majority of my career in Seattle and I just got traded last year. So I've been here for just over a year now.

10:56.86

Bethany Balcer

And so in some ways, like I still didn't like fully know that, like, obviously I knew the girls, but just like my relationships were very different than if I would have taken a break on my other team.

11:07.18

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm.

11:07.25

Bethany Balcer

um

11:07.32

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm.

11:08.17

Bethany Balcer

So addressing it to my team I honestly think the coach might've done it for me. I don't remember. I might've sent a message to the girls, but I'd like, honestly just wanted to like clean, cut myself off.

11:24.80

Bethany Balcer

Um, and honestly, I asked the girls to not reach out to me. Like I would reach out to them and I'm ready. um because in some ways I felt like I hadn't like found my people yet. And like a lot of people that didn't know this whole backstory about me, of my mental health and things like that. So That part, I was just, I didn't know how to navigate that in all honesty. And I haven't really reflected on like what I have done differently.

11:48.31

Bethany Balcer

But I did have people reach out like initially, like saying like, we're here for you. We love you. Like, we hope you're okay. Um, which was great, obviously. And like, I knew they would do that. Like the the two teams I've been on have been so great from like a cultural standpoint, from just like a people person standpoint. So I wasn't fearing that, but yeah, I still just didn't know my place in the team. So like to just remove myself felt weird and and foreign.

12:13.53

Bethany Balcer

And I didn't know how, if the girls would be like, oh, we like don't care or, or what. So that was just interesting to navigate for sure. But as time went on, I was able to, I met with a few girls throughout my break, which was good.

12:25.29

Bethany Balcer

But I just think for me, i just needed to separate myself from soccer completely. So I kind of just cold turkeyed it and didn't, yeah.

12:33.77

Shannon Jackson

I mean, and that is so healthy. Like you set some really hard boundaries, which is really hard for people to do, especially when you're struggling with some of that people pleasing, like I don't want to let people down. And for you to say like, no, i need this.

12:47.48

Shannon Jackson

And i don't want people reaching out to me. Like that is so freaking healthy as you're like, I don't know, you know, kind of what I was doing, but so much of your inner wisdom was guiding you.

12:59.29

Shannon Jackson

I'm curious, so many people, have this idea of like, if I stop, right, if I take a break, if I step away, it means I'm failing.

13:10.93

Shannon Jackson

Did you have any of that going on?

13:16.15

Bethany Balcer

o

13:20.30

Bethany Balcer

less of failing and more and more of just like that letting people down that we've been talking about um i think for me i was so the part of like leaving the game that scared me was like such materialistic like irrelevant things i was like oh

13:24.48

Shannon Jackson

yeah. yeah

13:40.46

Bethany Balcer

I'm not going to like, you know, play in these games and score goals and like add to like the number of games I've been in. And I'm not going to like reach these milestones that like so many players reach. And it was just all these like things that did not matter that for some reason I cared about because, you know, stats are important to a soccer player. And I was like, oh, I might not score any goals this year because I play forward. And it was just like, but like, why do you care about like, that is such like an earthly thing. And like,

14:10.68

Bethany Balcer

this, this thing that like, just again, like doesn't like, I'm not going have soccer forever. Like people aren't going to remember my stats forever.

14:16.87

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

14:17.68

Bethany Balcer

Like, why do I care so much about this? And so for me, it was like, that was kind of the failure. I think that I was like wrestling with that. Again, i I knew it didn't matter, but like it's mattered. So I think that's when I was like, wow, this actually has like, how many goals I scored and has mattered so much to me for so much of my career.

14:38.79

Bethany Balcer

And like, now it's not going to matter. And like, how do i reckon with that?

14:44.14

Shannon Jackson

yeah How have you reckoned with that? Because like, it it sounds like you've kind of come to the conclusion of like, it doesn't really hold that big of a weight. Like it's not that big of a deal but what has that been like?

14:57.37

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, it's so interesting because I think something I'm even learning now is just how as an individual, I don't want to like base my value on that. But like, obviously the coaching staff is basing my value off that. Cause if I can't score goals, they're not going to play me.

15:14.33

Bethany Balcer

And so for me, it's like, how, how do I balance the two of like me as an individual understanding that that's not the end all be all, but like I'm being judged in that regard.

15:22.89

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

15:25.25

Bethany Balcer

And so for me, I think since coming back from my mental health wave, my focus has been like, how do I, how do I raise my impact like off the field and how do i make such good relationships on the team that like I'm leaving a legacy and it's, I just feel like I'm finding value and purpose and all the other things that like actually matter as opposed to like goals, assists, playing time.

15:50.48

Bethany Balcer

Because those things are obviously going to come and go and it's going be rollercoaster ups and downs. But like I see my teammates every single day and I can like create incredible relationships with them.

16:01.08

Bethany Balcer

And i can do all these little things to like help the staff, help our equipment manager, like whatever it may be that like people care so much more about. Like it's, it's, you know, like what people say, like when, when you're in the grave, like nobody is going to care that I played soccer. They're goingnna care if like I made them feel seen, made them, you know, feel a certain way. So i think since taking my mental health break, being separated from my stats has allowed me to like live into that more and just practice being like a human that has an impact, if that makes sense.

16:33.77

Shannon Jackson

Yeah, no, that totally makes sense. So I know you've talked, and this is totally relevant to my listeners. You've talked about how playing soccer in general, like brings a lot of sort of overthinking and constant self assessing, which I know so many people can relate to you even outside of sports.

16:54.88

Shannon Jackson

Like what has that looked like for you? And maybe has taking this mental health break helped you to navigate that better?

16:58.09

Bethany Balcer

Mm-hmm.

17:04.55

Bethany Balcer

Yeah. I think in the past, I've always tried to like, allow myself like a few moments to like, think about what I like to overthink essentially. So let's say i miss a shot. I'm like, okay, I can think about that until like halftime. And then like, I, you know, halftime comes and like, I can't think about it anymore.

17:24.14

Bethany Balcer

That didn't work. um I struggled to do like, I was, I struggled to just like tell my brain to like turn off or like think about the next thing. I was like, man, if I would have made that shot, like X, Y, Z could have happened.

17:37.16

Bethany Balcer

And I think I just kept trying to do that and it kept not working.

17:37.50

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

17:40.53

Bethany Balcer

And I was not trying to find different avenues. And I think, again, through my mental health break, I've learned to just like create, make my thoughts neutral almost.

17:52.96

Bethany Balcer

So to not let them have any like positive or negative connotation, Um, because then they just like, you know, I talk a lot about, you know, you want thoughts to like, just like pass through.

18:05.16

Bethany Balcer

And that's obviously the goal, like to just have them like go in one ear, you can have it and go out the other. But even now I'm learning that I can like, if the thought stays, I can like, make it so that it's neutral in my head, which like sounds like so weird and like abstract, but I've found that

18:18.23

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

18:24.90

Bethany Balcer

I'm always going to like, it's just natural to overthink as a player. You have to think about every little thing. And so how do i how do I manage that? And managing that for me is like making them like these neutral thoughts that like, they just kind of like sit there, they're like dead inside my brain. So they're there.

18:43.74

Bethany Balcer

And like, when I think about it, I just have no reaction towards it. Which

18:47.88

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

18:48.23

Bethany Balcer

which I feel like has taken, like, since I've come back, like, it's it's hard to do But, like, once you have that maybe one thought, like, whether it's, you know, I should have made that shot or if it's something even, like, bigger about your identity, like, am I good enough? It's just, it just takes practice over and over again of, like, telling that thought, like, no, like, I don't, want I don't, I have the power to say you don't, like, get a say.

19:19.64

Bethany Balcer

type of thing. So yeah. And I learned that from one of my mentors, which was really great. He really helped give me perspective on my thoughts and i just make, ah first of all, making sure that my thoughts are like valid in the first place, but even when they're not valid, like giving them that neutral stance. So that's been super helpful for me since coming back.

19:45.12

Shannon Jackson

Oh, I love that. That, yeah, because the more we try to control our thoughts, right, stop them, make them go away, all the things, they just heighten and we get more of the thoughts and then you get more frustration.

19:54.62

Bethany Balcer

Yeah. Mm-hmm. yeah but

19:57.27

Shannon Jackson

So, yeah, it's so helpful when you can start to look at your thoughts. It's just like, okay, we don't need to take this so seriously. We don't need to make this front page news.

20:06.29

Bethany Balcer

her

20:06.59

Shannon Jackson

Like, we can be more neutral. I think, right, I don't know, I'd love for you to give an example, but I'm just thinking if I'm a soccer player, which I never would be because i'm I have no endurance or stamina.

20:19.52

Shannon Jackson

But if I were out there, right, and I had this thought of like, you missed that goal, right? You could have made that. it would be like speaking to my brain in the way of yeah like we could have made the shot right and it could have gone that way but we didn't it also could have gone this way and like it didn't and that's okay like kind of just you know being curious like letting the thought be there not trying to like shut it out shut it down sort of thing but like okay we can be more neutral with it I don't know can you give us an example of like what what does that actually look like

20:51.26

Bethany Balcer

Like in my brain.

20:52.73

Shannon Jackson

Yeah, because it is such a hard, like you said, it's so abstract.

20:54.16

Bethany Balcer

Yeah.

20:56.63

Shannon Jackson

It is. It feels like such a bizarre thing to like, how do, wait, how do I make my thoughts neutral?

21:00.13

Bethany Balcer

Yeah.

21:03.93

Bethany Balcer

Yeah. Well, and it and it feels so big because like, you know, like scoring a goal is a huge thing. So like when you don't, it's easy to just like crawl in that hole and be like, oh, I think.

21:19.20

Bethany Balcer

I think I've actually, so I haven't had as many like kind of intrusive overthinking thoughts when I'm on the field. A lot of it is actually more in training um because I've tried to allow myself, like everybody trains so that they can play the games, right?

21:32.35

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

21:39.01

Bethany Balcer

Like the games are the moments where you just get to go out, be free and do what you do. And I feel like I've really tried to like allow the field to be that space. So like in that regard, I feel like I'm just going a thousand miles a minute.

21:54.94

Bethany Balcer

And so since coming back from my break, I'm like, I don't even have time to like, I have so much time to overthink, but I have like no time to overthink. It's like this weird dichotomy between the two. Or I think when I'm like in training,

22:10.81

Bethany Balcer

I'm always analyzing because I'm always comparing myself to other people on the team because you're trying to beat them out for a spot.

22:14.66

Shannon Jackson

you

22:16.97

Bethany Balcer

Whereas like when you're in a game, and the game's happening and like there's, you don't compare yourself to your teammates in the game, but like when you're training and it's like, oh, I did this, she did that. Like I did a good thing.

22:27.27

Bethany Balcer

She made a mistake. Like, oh, that means like I've moved up a little bit. And I think you're just constantly playing this comparison game of how do I get better than her?

22:31.22

Shannon Jackson

man

22:35.85

Bethany Balcer

And that's when those thoughts like can really, like come in. And again, a thing my mentor said is like, you just have to view everybody as equal. Like, because when it comes to like value, like everybody has that like inherent value.

22:52.71

Bethany Balcer

And i think when you

22:53.12

Shannon Jackson

Thank you.

22:56.16

Bethany Balcer

look at a person and you're like, how can I be better than her? As opposed to like, she is my equal. I hope we like both can become the best version of both of ourselves, both on the field and off the field.

23:07.01

Bethany Balcer

It just like releases you of those thoughts. And it's like, allows you to just focus on you instead of other people. And that's when you can, again, have the time to like figure out how to make those thoughts neutral because you're not worried about besting someone um or

23:25.81

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

23:26.11

Bethany Balcer

preying on their downfall. Like you're, you're just focused on you. And I think since coming back from my break, that's been something I've really had to learn because I haven't gotten the playing time that I wanted since coming back.

23:38.94

Bethany Balcer

But in some ways I've been able to have just a lot of acceptance and gratitude towards it because I'm not like taking it out on other people. Like, it's just like me, myself and I on this journey and my thoughts are better.

23:53.95

Bethany Balcer

And I'm happier and like I'm not getting as much playing time. So it just to seems so counterintuitive, but it's because of the way that I view people on my team and this perspective that I have.

24:06.60

Shannon Jackson

Yeah. Oh, perspective shifts like reframing can give us so much of that relief. It's wild.

24:13.73

Bethany Balcer

Mm-hmm.

24:13.93

Shannon Jackson

Okay. i think professional athletes in general, we sort of can see see you see them as being like mentally unshakable.

24:22.49

Bethany Balcer

but

24:23.94

Shannon Jackson

and then somebody takes a break, which we've seen more of, which is amazing that people finally feel like, okay, I can speak up and say like, I'm not okay. And I need to step away, which is beautiful. And everyone should be able to do that.

24:39.53

Shannon Jackson

But i think we look at professional athletes, like they are strong all the time. did that sort of play a role too in you maybe putting off the mental health break of like, this isn't really a thing that people do? like i don't Did you see many examples of it? Like were other people taking breaks or like it felt like I'm going to be perceived a certain way if I do this?

25:03.79

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, it was definitely not something that was happening. And like you said, it's been happening a lot more. I think the one person I remember who did it was Simone Biles. And I remember she came back from her mental health break.

25:14.62

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

25:17.85

Bethany Balcer

crushed it, completely different athlete, like so much better. and I was like, I think throughout the the year and a half that I was contemplating, I was like, that was something that always came in my mind was, Beth, you could come back better.

25:31.90

Bethany Balcer

But, but that it's, it was still so scary to think of like, oh, stepping away means I get better because usually it's, you have to put more time in to get better.

25:32.08

Shannon Jackson

yeah

25:40.40

Bethany Balcer

And so again, it was just like so counterintuitive and countercultural to process that. And I think that's also why it maybe took so long because it it didn't sound right at first.

25:50.95

Bethany Balcer

Like the math wasn't adding up of of how to get to that point.

25:53.47

Shannon Jackson

Yeah. Yeah.

25:55.28

Bethany Balcer

um so that was someone who I remember like actually seeing the whole thing, like the break and then her coming back as like the motivation and like, okay, so if you take a break, it doesn't mean you like fall off the face of the earth. Like you can come back a better athlete, even at the top level.

26:14.10

Bethany Balcer

and And I think in terms of the like fans and the support, it was actually like because of them that I felt so open to talk about what I was going through because aye experienced my first panic attack in 2020 during like our pandemic.

26:29.61

Bethany Balcer

um like our we did like a little bubble thing, a bubble tournament. And we kind of were just like stuck in our hotel rooms and you know, you'd go to training, you'd go back to your hotel room, stuck, like find, find what to do. And I think I posted something on, on Twitter X and just shared like, hey, this happened to me during the game, like happened in the first half. I got subbed out.

26:59.19

Bethany Balcer

I didn't really know what was going on. I was just hyperventilating, freaking out and obviously not playing well. And I posted about it and the response was absolutely incredible. And I i guess I didn't even expect that because 2020, like mental health was like still like, obviously COVID heightened it, but it was still something that was taboo to talk about in the sports realm.

27:19.05

Bethany Balcer

And so when I had people respond and be like, I needed this so much. It's so cool to see someone at your level share this. I was like, whoa, there's definitely a need here for people to talk about this more.

27:30.96

Bethany Balcer

And I can fill that gap in as I'm learning about it myself. And I, so I think throughout my career since then, the more I share and the more I hear people, you know, appreciate it. It's just, I didn't fear taking a break because of them, because I knew that they've kind of been with me this whole way and they've,

27:51.19

Bethany Balcer

appreciated my honesty and vulnerability, which is why I continue to do it. ah So, so yeah, I don't think it was them that was holding me back in any regard. It was almost them.

28:03.02

Bethany Balcer

I knew I would be supported by them because they supported me from the beginning and were appreciative of it.

28:09.62

Shannon Jackson

Okay. Can we talk about that panic attack? Because so many people listening, right, are like, I struggle with panic.

28:13.73

Bethany Balcer

Yeah.

28:17.88

Shannon Jackson

Did you know, were you able to recognize what was happening or you were just like, I have no idea what this is right now?

28:18.69

Bethany Balcer

Yes.

28:26.36

Bethany Balcer

I think it was, I have no idea what this is. And i think I was trying to pinpoint what it was like, Oh, is it the heat? Am I just tired? Like I, I didn't know why, but I knew in warmups I was struggling to breathe and I never really had that before.

28:40.96

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm.

28:43.45

Bethany Balcer

um and I was in shape. Like we had been training this whole time to prepare for this tournament. Um, And I just, I just remember every step on the field felt like so heavy and such a weight to move.

28:58.70

Bethany Balcer

And I just kept, you know, saying, oh, when the game starts, I'll be fine. I'll be fine. And yeah, never, never was fine. So it was about the 30th minute. I asked for a sub and I think about the 30th, 35th minute I got subbed off and Like as I was walking to the bench, I kind of just like fell down and was like hyperventilating. And I think it was just scary because I didn't know what was going on. um And they ended up bringing me back into like the locker room.

29:29.77

Bethany Balcer

And i I was just having really bad talk in my head, bad self-talk, just thoughts of wanting it to end, wanting the pain and the anxiety to stop.

29:42.91

Bethany Balcer

And I think for me, That was a dark place because it was the first time I'd ever have thoughts like that. And I was like, I'm playing soccer. Like, I love soccer. Like, what's going on Why can't I catch my breath? why Why do I want this to end?

30:00.59

Bethany Balcer

What's going on? It was just so unknown to me. And that part, I think, is what scared me and, like, made the panic attack almost worse.

30:08.26

Shannon Jackson

Yeah. Oh, for sure. Because then your body is like, this is really bad, right?

30:09.56

Bethany Balcer

Yeah.

30:12.30

Shannon Jackson

We need to like keep protecting you.

30:12.73

Bethany Balcer

Mm-hmm.

30:15.04

Shannon Jackson

Did you have panic attacks after that or is just that one?

30:15.27

Bethany Balcer

the

30:20.89

Bethany Balcer

Not to that severity. There's definitely, I've had moments in the game or i remember one time even in warmup where I had to like take a moment.

30:31.93

Bethany Balcer

Like I remember in warmup, I just ran back to the lock. I stopped warmup. i was like, I need to go back to the locker room and like breathe and do some exercise to just clear my mind and and get myself in the right place.

30:44.33

Bethany Balcer

Um, And then there's times like mid game where like I just sit down and, you know, the ref stops the game and I'm just like, yep, have my trainer come over. i'm just goingnna and it's going to take a minute because I need it. um But yeah, not to the severity that it was.

30:57.13

Shannon Jackson

Wait, in the middle, can talk about that? In the middle of a game, you would do that? Okay, this is, we have to talk about this because so many people, that's such a big fear for them of like, what if I experience a panic attack, right? And I'm in the middle of the grocery store,

31:15.33

Shannon Jackson

or I'm dropping my kid off at school. right like Nobody wants that. like Okay, everybody now has to like pay attention to me and help me or like nobody. i feel like so many people carry that weight of like I don't want anyone to see me panicking.

31:31.33

Shannon Jackson

and You're just saying, I'm like, oh, in and no, no, no.

31:33.55

Bethany Balcer

yeah

31:34.34

Shannon Jackson

I need to just take a break right now. like What? you

31:39.12

Bethany Balcer

yeah

31:39.36

Shannon Jackson

Was that easy for you to just be like, this is what I need and that's it?

31:45.16

Bethany Balcer

Yes and no, because I think there are some times where I kind of ignored it and just tried to play through it. Or i didn't, you know, tell my coach or my trainer, hey, I'm feeling a little anxious today.

31:56.81

Bethany Balcer

i would just try to push through. And I think I learned that when I tried to push through it, it was just so much worse. And so I was like, something needs to change.

32:03.21

Shannon Jackson

Yep. yep

32:04.45

Bethany Balcer

And so I found that when I told trainers and told my coach, like, hey, can you sub me off? Like, again, the last thing I want to do is get subbed off. But I'm also like, for my own self, for the betterment of the team in this game, like, I need to come off.

32:17.64

Bethany Balcer

And like, I think... initially that was a very scary thing to do because no player ever wants to come off the field. Like we could have a broken leg and we'd still be like, yeah, I want to play. Um, but I just understood that future me would thank me like for doing what I did and telling someone I think is obviously the first, first step for me. And then just recognizing that like, it's, it's okay. Like me taking and a knee and like succumbing to my anxiety, even though that's not what it actually is.

32:50.61

Bethany Balcer

Like it it was okay that I took a moment for myself.

32:51.28

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

32:54.57

Bethany Balcer

It wasn't letting the anxiety win. It was letting my body, decompress and do what it needs to do to get myself back to where i need to be. And I think that obviously came with like a lot of time and understanding what I needed.

33:08.18

Bethany Balcer

That didn't just like happen the very first time. Obviously the first time I tried to push through that didn't work. So it took time, but once you figure out what works best for you, i was like, just do it because it's what's best for me, you know?

33:22.17

Shannon Jackson

Yeah. Oh, i so many people listening right now, I'm sure they feel that like just permission because it does when you are experiencing so much anxiety and you're just trying to push through and act like everything's fine and you're putting on a face and I know people listening like whether it's being in work meetings or you're with a friend and you're like, I'm just going to pretend I'm fine right now and your body's like screaming at you.

33:30.42

Bethany Balcer

Hmm. Hmm.

33:46.79

Shannon Jackson

it is okay, right? To say, no, no, like we're not okay right now and we actually like need to be vulnerable and express how we're feeling. And oftentimes you do feel that relief, like that weight off once you're able to say like, no, I'm anxious.

34:00.12

Bethany Balcer

her

34:01.47

Shannon Jackson

And like, I can't just keep pushing right now.

34:02.66

Bethany Balcer

Yeah.

34:05.32

Shannon Jackson

ah I'm so glad that you shared that.

34:05.64

Bethany Balcer

Yeah.

34:07.32

Shannon Jackson

I mean, ah so what are things looking like now? Have you found relief with the anxiety and panic through taking the break or it's still something that you're working through?

34:19.62

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, I'm definitely like a throughout my break, I actually kind of experimented with different doses of medication just to try to figure out that piece.

34:30.78

Bethany Balcer

Um, and I did a lot of meditation, prayer, just like hour of quiet time in the morning, like for nothing to just let my almost like free association, just like let my thoughts run rampant, um, do my best to like be quiet and be still.

34:41.16

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm.

34:51.42

Bethany Balcer

ah And I think that would set me up each day, like just not necessarily for success, but it just made me feel so much better about going into my day. And I think nowadays, now that, um you know, i i still have to go into training now. I don't have like an hour necessarily every morning.

35:09.62

Bethany Balcer

I just start my day with gratitude. And that I think helps my anxiety a lot because I really don't think that like anxiety and gratefulness can coexist a lot. um They're in some senses opposing because when you're grateful, you know't you're not thinking about what's making you anxious. youre thinking about what's making you grateful. So just like starting the day with like, I'm so happy that I woke up this morning, that I have breath in my lungs, that I get the opportunity to live this day. Like I go into training and like I have that perspective and it just

35:41.40

Bethany Balcer

helps the anxiety, honestly. Um, so that's been something I think I've been doing. That was a change from before my break to after that, um, I've definitely noticed and yeah, I think that's been helping, um, medication and therapy.

36:00.36

Bethany Balcer

They're a great duo, ah um, that I've, I've been, I've been just more persistent in, um, since coming back that, uh, yeah, it's been really good.

36:02.50

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

36:11.12

Shannon Jackson

Was medication a hard thing for you to like, um, to, to try or were you just like, I don't care, I'll do whatever in order to make this better.

36:21.80

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, it was definitely an I don't care. I'll do whatever. um And I've been on it for a few years now.

36:26.79

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

36:28.92

Bethany Balcer

And then just over this break, we tried increasing it and it actually made it worse. So we went back down in dosage. But i i was like, fix this. Like, because again, you think like you're going to take a pill and it's going to make you feel better.

36:41.09

Bethany Balcer

And while it does, you know, there's all the studies about pairing it with therapy, pairing it with all these other things. So yeah. I think when I first experienced this, I was like, I will try anything and everything under the sun.

36:53.20

Bethany Balcer

And think in some ways that's good because you you need to figure out what what works best for you because it's so individualized. Like I obviously can share my story and what works for me and that's not going to apply to everybody.

37:05.57

Bethany Balcer

And so in some ways it felt like a fun, not challenge, but just like you get to try these different things and see how they they work and better you. um And it's funny because that changes over time. Like, obviously, like I wasn't having, I'm not doing quiet time now. But during that period of my life, quiet time was the best thing for me.

37:24.70

Bethany Balcer

And now I'm doing gratitude.

37:25.49

Shannon Jackson

Thank you.

37:25.58

Bethany Balcer

and And like a year from now, it might be something different. And so just like the evolution of it and like knowing that you're going to change and evolve, just again, allowing yourself to like, that's okay.

37:36.35

Bethany Balcer

Giving yourself permission to like try different things and know that, oh, just because I take this medication every day or just because I do gratitude every day, it It doesn't feel like it's working. Like that that's normal.

37:47.66

Bethany Balcer

Either you can you can try something else. There's so many other things you can do, which is reassuring for me because like just knowing that it's not one size fits all.

37:59.97

Shannon Jackson

Yeah, it is freeing, right? And like, but it is also that, and you know this best with being a you know professional athlete, you got to build habits, you got to stick with things.

38:10.03

Shannon Jackson

It can't be, you know, I just tried meditation for two days and that's not working.

38:10.67

Bethany Balcer

Mm-hmm.

38:14.63

Shannon Jackson

It's like, okay, well, you need some practice with things.

38:15.54

Bethany Balcer

Yeah.

38:17.86

Shannon Jackson

You can't just, you know, magic, magic thing and embedder. i am curious. I'm so glad that you're talking about the medication thing because I know that's a big piece for a lot of people. and I'm not going to ask Bethany what she's taken or what she's tried because that part doesn't matter. Like what you just said is so good.

38:35.49

Shannon Jackson

What's helpful for you isn't necessarily what's going to be helpful for someone else. And what's helpful for you right now is going to change. It's not, might not always look how things look right now, but I am curious of like you've,

38:49.90

Shannon Jackson

navigated through these months and like kind of figured out, okay, this is helpful. that This isn't so helpful anymore. Are there things that you're doing right now that you're like, okay, I'm not stopping this anytime soon.

39:01.56

Shannon Jackson

Like this is clearly really helpful. And I hate to say working, but just helpful.

39:08.54

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, I think the gratitude piece is something I've latched on to and I haven't really stopped. um And the days like I miss it, I notice it because I'm going into work, not with like having any, having said any gratitude.

39:14.28

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

39:18.06

Shannon Jackson

No.

39:24.16

Bethany Balcer

um So that is something.

39:24.66

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm.

39:25.84

Bethany Balcer

And then I've actually been starting to, when I, when I get to my games, I just take a lap around the field. I'll have like music on, like calming music, encouraging music, whatever it is.

39:39.71

Bethany Balcer

And i'll I'll just, the second we get to like an away field or our home game, I'll go out to the field and I'll just walk a lap and I'll just kind of say positive affirmations as I'm walking, like, um you know, just just whatever I need for that moment. So, you know, whether that's like I will be safe during this game or, you know, this, this space is going to be protected or my mind is going to be protected while I'm on this field.

40:06.42

Bethany Balcer

Um, whatever it is, I'm, I'm a Christian. So like a lot of that is, um like biblical things or just like verses or um just like I'm good enough to be here walking on this field, like whatever it may be to like ground me in that moment and ground me on that field. It's like I'm setting the stage for that field of like when I enter it, like how it's going to be.

40:27.50

Bethany Balcer

And that I've found to just be very helpful.

40:28.24

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

40:30.41

Bethany Balcer

So then when I go out for warmups and I go out for the game, it's like I've already prepared this space for me that's like welcoming, belonging. and gives me the freedom to play. So I, know other people in my league, they'll go out on the field, they'll like sit in the center circle and they'll just meditate for 10 minutes.

40:48.51

Bethany Balcer

Um, and kind of similar. So I think I kind of got inspiration from them. I'm like, okay, what can be like my thing that I do that helps me get myself right. And and that's what I've found what I've been doing. So.

41:00.11

Shannon Jackson

Oh, I love that. I think so many of us like benefit in that slowing down of like, okay, we can't just like go, go. And you're constant. I can imagine playing sports.

41:08.51

Bethany Balcer

Mm-hmm.

41:10.03

Shannon Jackson

It's like this constant like surge of energy. And if you're experiencing any anxiety, stress, overwhelm, it's like putting fuel on the fire, right? So that slow down, I imagine is incredibly helpful.

41:20.85

Bethany Balcer

Mm-hmm.

41:24.54

Shannon Jackson

I am wondering how your relationship has changed with you since taking the break. Because it sounds like soccer is no longer maybe your entire identity.

41:31.08

Bethany Balcer

Mm-hmm.

41:36.20

Shannon Jackson

and maybe you've been figuring a little bit more about who you are as a person. Can you talk about that?

41:42.52

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, I think I've just learned.

41:47.42

Bethany Balcer

I got really humbled during my mental health break, and I think I needed that. And I think for me, i always self yeah just like selfless acts were always my like natural inhibition to do.

42:07.97

Bethany Balcer

and I think one thing I've learned about myself and that what I've just been trying to grow in is that is how do I show up for my teammates in ways that they're not expecting in ways that are helpful for them. And in ways that like make an impact, I think that's never been my first thought.

42:29.44

Bethany Balcer

And i just think taking this break, like humbled me and was like, Beth, this life is not about you. like we're we're playing a sport that is so much like puts people on pedestals and like, you know, you're trying to be on the national team. You're trying to score the most goals. You're trying to win a world cup. And it's just, sometimes it's always like, how do I get to the top?

42:51.26

Bethany Balcer

And I think this break was like, it doesn't, it doesn't need to be that. That can obviously be a goal and a dream, but like it, it shouldn't be about you.

43:02.51

Bethany Balcer

yeah, I think for me that like hit really hard because i had a very successful college career. Up to this point, I've had a pretty successful professional career. But it's like, what a successful man.

43:15.47

Bethany Balcer

Like, how was I defining that?

43:15.63

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm.

43:17.95

Bethany Balcer

Like, in terms of stats and numbers, yes. But like, was I a great teammate all the time? Like, or was I always like wanting other people to do things for me and like asking them to show up? Like, was I willing to show up for them?

43:29.79

Bethany Balcer

And so I just think like my perspective shifted in that regard. yeah. that was something I just like learned about myself, but I can prioritize more because that's going to make me the most satisfied and like feel the most fulfilled.

43:45.10

Bethany Balcer

Because like you're always chasing something, right? but Regardless of your profession, you're always chasing the promotion, the the higher status, like whatever it may be. and i maybe it's Tom Brady that said it. I don't know. But like he had all those things and he still felt like something was missing. and So it's like,

44:03.45

Bethany Balcer

We see it all the time. It's like, why do we still think that that's what's going to give us like fulfillment in life? And so it's so hard to separate the two, especially in a job that's based on your performance and based on success in terms of cultural standards.

44:18.25

Bethany Balcer

So um that was kind of like a long rabbit hole answer. But I think like just the humbling process that I've learned about myself and just how I can be more selfless and more giving

44:23.68

Shannon Jackson

No. Yeah.

44:30.75

Bethany Balcer

back to the sport and back to the people that have invested in me, ah again, just allow allows me to play better, honestly, because I know my teammates better. And like, I know that I'm doing it for something that's more than just scoring a goal. um

44:45.54

Shannon Jackson

yeah

44:45.84

Bethany Balcer

So yeah, that's been a huge takeaway for me, I think.

44:49.88

Shannon Jackson

Yeah, that connection piece is so huge for all of us as humans. But I think what I'm hearing most, right, is this gratitude. You're having gratitude for you're like so many things in your life, right, that maybe don't just revolve around soccer, like having gratitude for that stuff, just stuff in the day-to-day, but also having gratitude for other people.

45:10.43

Shannon Jackson

And those things are massive because it like brings your awareness to the

45:10.92

Bethany Balcer

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

45:14.47

Shannon Jackson

now to some good stuff to like what's actually happening happening because our brains are so good at focusing on like what could happen, what might happen, like all the bad shit that's happening. And it's like, okay, but there's all this good stuff too.

45:25.52

Bethany Balcer

the

45:27.25

Shannon Jackson

So I love that gratitude has been really helpful for you. I am wondering, like this vulnerability, you have been so vulnerable, which is incredibly inspiring and admirable. Like it's really hard to be vulnerable. And I don't want to say ah especially being a professional athlete, but I think it is like, it's really hard when you have people looking at you. Like I can be vulnerable, but I mean, and do have people looking at me, but it's like, I don't have, you know, crowds of people or teammates. And like, so how has that, do you feel like

46:00.71

Shannon Jackson

affected your healing? Like, has vulnerability really helped you to face those, that fear and that anxiety and like to just do things differently?

46:09.80

Bethany Balcer

had yeah I just think like the human experience is what connects us all together um and it's just it makes me laugh to think that like we're all like hiding and shying away from like these negative experiences and anxieties and depression and whatever it may be that we're having because we're all having it.

46:31.76

Bethany Balcer

So like, let's talk, like it it just makes me chuckle a little bit inside because we're all trying to put on this perfect front.

46:32.12

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm.

46:37.74

Bethany Balcer

And I, that's why I'm vulnerable because I know someone's going to relate to it and I know I'm going to get vulnerability in return. And that's the thing that we all have in common.

46:50.39

Bethany Balcer

And so why wouldn't we share about that? Why wouldn't we express that? ah And for the people who need it with judgment, they they don't they don't get it and they've got their own things to work with, but the people who need it with equal vulnerability, like that that to me is just like the connection piece that you mentioned.

47:03.29

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

47:10.12

Bethany Balcer

Like that's that's why we're here. That's like what we're sharing in and we're just learning together and we're growing together. And I think it's just the biggest lie to tell that you have it all together and that you've got it figured out.

47:24.62

Bethany Balcer

um Even, yeah, me and i've I've learned so much and like, I, there, nobody can have all the knowledge and um we're going to experience it every day. It's not like it just goes away. And once you realize that, then it's like, okay, well then what, like, let's talk about it. Cause if it's not going to go away, it must be something that we need to express to each other. So that's kind of my perspective on it and my take. And,

47:49.48

Bethany Balcer

And that's why vulnerability, that first time, I think, i didn't even realize I was being vulnerable. I was just kind of like giving an update on on like my panic attack.

47:57.24

Shannon Jackson

and

47:58.89

Bethany Balcer

And then i think it just, each time it got easier and easier and easier. And I think that's that's the case when you're vulnerable. The first time is so scary. But then when you do it again, and maybe it's the same story, it it just becomes easier and people are receptive to it because they see them in you and your experience.

48:17.82

Shannon Jackson

Yeah. And like you said, we're all wanting that. Like we're all craving that. And I swear, i say this all the time, but if more people walked around being vulnerable, like our world would be so much more peaceful because it is, it's just so many of us are trying to like put on a face and pretend and it is so anxiety producing.

48:29.03

Bethany Balcer

Oh.

48:36.92

Shannon Jackson

Okay. So if somebody is listening right now and they're like, I kind of known i need to slow down, i need to take a break, or I need to admit that I'm struggling, what would you really want them to hear right now?

48:53.49

Bethany Balcer

o um I would just say like you know yourself best. um I think you hear so many voices throughout the day from other people and all that matters is what you think and feel. Like it's okay to be selfish because in some ways it's not even selfish. You're you're choosing you, which you should do.

49:18.46

Bethany Balcer

um And i know for me, i got to ah point where I had no other option and I wouldn't want other people to get to that point.

49:28.94

Bethany Balcer

I would want them to choose themselves earlier.

49:29.73

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

49:31.70

Bethany Balcer

um So trust your intuition, trust that you know your body, your mind and, and listen to it and and respond accordingly. And if that means taking a break, that means taking a break. um I can't imagine many people take a break and come back and say,

49:48.69

Bethany Balcer

ah That wasn't good for me. You know, like I'm sure the stats are very high that it was good because you, you, you just learn about yourself and you're, you have the time to do so.

49:51.90

Shannon Jackson

yeah

50:00.22

Bethany Balcer

And that's really important. So.

50:02.58

Shannon Jackson

Yeah. Oh, I love that. Okay. One last thing i could ask you so many questions, but what now taking the break, right.

50:07.99

Bethany Balcer

but

50:12.12

Shannon Jackson

And being back in it, you're playing again. What does success or healing look like for you now?

50:23.28

Shannon Jackson

Like, cause I'm sure it's gotta to look differently than it did before.

50:24.76

Bethany Balcer

way

50:27.85

Bethany Balcer

and the Yeah, I think the healing piece is like understanding that I can have anxiety, but anxiety doesn't have to have me.

50:39.22

Bethany Balcer

like I like to use that phrase a lot because it's if it's something that I know I'm going to experience in life always. There are always going to be anxious moments that pop up regardless of what job I do.

50:51.66

Bethany Balcer

ah And to understand that like, I can just like have anxiety just like sit right here and like not, again, like neutral, like not necessarily move up or down, but that it's just like there. And then like that was healing to me because I think it was like,

51:11.55

Bethany Balcer

it was up up here. It was like the ground on my head. And it was what was guiding me and making my decisions for me. But when you understand the power you have over that, and and again, it takes so much time because I was saying things that i didn't necessarily believe over and over and over. And I just said it until I believe it, like fake it till I made it.

51:33.35

Bethany Balcer

Because I knew i knew that I had the power and I just had to get

51:33.64

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

51:38.52

Bethany Balcer

my thoughts in my brain and my mind and my heart to like believe that as well. And so that healing piece for me has been really cool because it allows me to approach right now soccer differently. Cause I think and just an instance I want to give, like during that little challenge, that bubble I was in, um i went back and played the next game and we went to like a PK shootout.

52:02.71

Bethany Balcer

And I remember I was like,

52:07.96

Bethany Balcer

anxiety would tell me not to take this PK because it is going to produce so much. But in the, but like i told myself, I was like, but if I go and step up that and take that PK miss or make, like I have just like stomped anxiety out.

52:23.30

Bethany Balcer

Like I have said that, like, it doesn't get a say in this moment and I get to choose that.

52:23.62

Shannon Jackson

Mm-hmm.

52:28.42

Bethany Balcer

And for me, that was like, a really powerful moment and i ended up like making and it was the best thing ever. But, um, that was like the first instance where I realized like, I can like almost just like walk over this bridge of anxiety and like, let it not get it, not get to choose my decisions.

52:49.10

Bethany Balcer

It can just be something that I have, but like, I'm still in control. So hopefully that answer answered that.

52:53.52

Shannon Jackson

and

52:54.95

Bethany Balcer

But that was just like, and that's an instance that keeps coming up. Like every time, like, you know, i have to take a PK or whatever it may be. Like in some ways I'm like grateful that I get the opportunity to like say like, yep, anxiety.

53:06.35

Bethany Balcer

You don't get to say i do. And that's really freeing for me.

53:11.59

Shannon Jackson

I love that. oh My gosh. Okay. Well, I am so proud of you for being so vulnerable and talking about this. And I think, you know, we need more of this.

53:23.30

Shannon Jackson

Like we need more instances. And I think it's so much gratitude, right, to Simone for coming out and talking about all of her stuff and sharing. And I think it's just allowed so many more athletes to do that.

53:35.08

Shannon Jackson

And it's just such a good direction that I hope things continue on and you're helping to do that, which is just such a beautiful thing on top of all the work that you already do. So if people want to find and connect with you Bethany, where can they find you?

53:49.59

Bethany Balcer

um I'm on Instagram and TikTok and I love I love making uh fun and a light anxiety thing like content to like just like lighten the mood around it and just again normalize it but my my handle is just my name on both of those Bethany Balser so

53:59.54

Shannon Jackson

Yeah.

54:07.29

Shannon Jackson

Amazing. Well, it's been so fun chatting with you and so helpful, and I just wish you the best.

54:13.62

Bethany Balcer

Yeah, thank you for opening up this conversation and and having me. I appreciate it.