Why does nobody warn you about the parts of postpartum that feel really, really hard?
I sat down with Kaylee Bullen, therapist specializing in anxiety and OCD, and a new mom herself, for one of the most honest conversations I've had on this podcast. Because there is so much about postpartum that doesn't get talked about nearly enough. And if you've ever felt like you were the only one struggling, this one is for you.
What's "Normal" and What's Not
Here's the thing about postpartum: your hormones are in full throttle. There is a massive hormonal shift happening in your body, and with that comes a lot of intense thoughts and feelings that are completely normal — even if they don't feel that way in the moment.
Kaylee talks about how the first couple of weeks after birth can be really intense, and that on its own doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. But when the anxiety starts to extend beyond that, when it's taking up a significant part of your day, when the engagement with your worries becomes really consuming — that's when it becomes something worth talking to a provider or therapist about.
And then there's the added layer of intrusive thoughts. Which is where things get really complicated.
What Postpartum OCD Actually Is
OCD is made up of obsessions — recurrent, distressing intrusive thoughts, feelings, urges, or sensations — and compulsions, which are the mental or physical acts we do to try and ease the discomfort or uncertainty those thoughts create.
Postpartum OCD specifically involves thoughts about harm coming to your baby. Either you harming your child — purposefully or accidentally — or someone else doing so. And these are unwanted thoughts. They don't feel good. They feel confusing and terrifying and deeply shameful.
What makes postpartum such a perfect storm for this is twofold. First, the hormonal shift is the biggest women ever experience. Second, you now have this tiny person you love more than anything and intrusive thoughts attach to exactly what you value most.
Kaylee says it so well: women don't tell anyone because they're terrified of what it means. Are they going to take my baby? Are people going to think I'm crazy? And so they suffer in silence, which makes everything so much harder.
The Compulsions Nobody Recognizes
When most people think of OCD, they think of hand-washing or checking the stove. But postpartum compulsions look very different — and they're often disguised as responsible parenting.
Checking on your baby constantly. Googling the same thing over and over. Asking your partner for reassurance. Mentally reviewing your actions to make sure you didn't do anything harmful. Trying to block out the intrusive thoughts the second they pop up. Avoiding being alone with your baby because the thoughts feel too scary.
All of these feel logical in the moment. All of them provide a tiny blip of relief. And all of them keep you stuck.
The Pressure to Feel Bonded
One of my favorite parts of this conversation is when Kaylee and I get really honest about something that almost nobody talks about: not feeling instantly connected to your baby.
We're sold this image of the baby being placed on your chest and everything feeling magical and euphoric. And for some women, that's real. But for a lot of us? It just isn't. And then comes the shame spiral of what does that mean about me as a mom?
Kaylee put it beautifully: even if it doesn't feel good, it doesn't mean anything about you as a person or a mother. Bonding is a relationship. And like any relationship, it takes time to develop. You've never met this person before. It makes complete sense that it isn't instant.
If You Already Struggle with Anxiety
If you have a history of anxiety, panic, or OCD, becoming a parent can feel incredibly activating and for good reason. So much of anxiety is about control. And there is so much about a new baby that you simply cannot control. Their sleep, their health, their eating — none of it is in your hands the way you want it to be.
Add to that the absolute flood of information and advice that new parents are bombarded with, and it's no wonder so many anxious moms feel completely overwhelmed. Kaylee says it perfectly: there's so much noise, it's hard to hear yourself think.
And if you're scared about what pregnancy or postpartum might look like for you because of your history with anxiety? Kaylee's advice is to come back to your values. The version of you that exists right now might be anxious. But so many different versions of you are going to be born throughout this experience — and they will rise to meet the moment. You don't have to have it all figured out in advance.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
Kaylee is refreshingly honest about her own postpartum experience. Even as a therapist who knew all the skills, she was still buzzing with anxiety. She still needed support — a therapist, her providers, medication. And she says without hesitation: getting that support was the right call.
If you're in the thick of postpartum right now and it is hard, please hear this: it is not your fault. It doesn't make you a bad mom. And you don't have to white-knuckle your way through it alone. There are people who understand exactly what you're experiencing and can help.
As Kaylee says: let me fall if I must. The one I am becoming will catch me.
You can find KAYLEE
at @KAYLEEBULLENTHERAPY on Instagram & @KAYLEEBULLEN ON tiktok,
or at HUMANCOLLECTIVETHERAPY.COM
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